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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “4 orgasms every woman should have”

I try to be conscious about using “should” in my conversation, e.g. “you should really take better care of yourself…” Sentences like that are deliberately vague about who is making that judgment call. (I would now rephrase the sentence as “I wish you would take better care of yourself.”)

My point is, after several years of self-monitoring, I’m hyper-aware of “should”, and when it comes up in the title of a sex article, the red flags go through the roof and there are warning flares being fired. Someone is making a judgment about what makes a “good sex life”, or a more sexually satisfied woman, and this judgment is going to involve broad brushstrokes or cluelessness about natural human variation. The article beneath that headline is not going to inspire the reader with a sense of adventure around new positions or experiences; instead, it’s going to leave us with a creeping sense of inadequacy because we aren’t currently doing that thing.

<sigh>

And so it was with this article, which is why I’m pulling it into the Terrible Sex Tips genre: it’s pushing at readers to go out and try new things, not just because NEW SEX THING w00t \o/ \o/ \o/, but because if you’re only having your orgasms “one way”, you’re obviously boring, to wit: “There’s more than one blissed-out, body-tingling way to a happy ending, and the more paths you travel, the more exciting sex will be (and stay).” It’s like peer pressure, without the peers being identified!

The article refers to a study about the four types of female orgasm, but doesn’t offer a link to the study. The journal turned out to be an interdisciplinary publication focusing on neurology, psychology, philosophy, and physics, I’m sorry, I don’t care HOW interdisciplinary it is or how holistic you’re trying to be, WHY is there an article about female orgasms in this journal?!

Anyway, according to supported-by-SCIENCE, there are four distinct types of female orgasm (clitoral, vaginal, blended, or multiple orgasms). And then, the thesis of the article: “You should try them all—starting tonight.” Oh sure, ramp up the pressure by adding an artificial sense of time-based urgency. START TONIGHT. Because it is that easy to just dip a stick or a dick or a dildo or one’s own sticky fingers in there and TRY IT. Not “attempt them all”, just “try them all”. IT’S THAT EASY.

Clitoral Orgasm

Isn’t this the one we wrested away from Freud and his whole mature vs. immature dichotomy (what, is it not ripe)? According to the author of this article, the clitoral orgasm is JUST NOT AS GOOD AS IT COULD BE, unless your partner is warming you up properly… Wait. I thought this article was about orgasms, period. THEY’RE talking about the kinds of orgasms that happen with partners? Ohhh… Because anything else is boring. That feels like the subtext of this article: anything that you can reliably hit by yourself is boring. Okay, gotcha.

I can’t entirely fault the techniques for clit stuff here, like, they suggest bigger movements all around the vulva, not just focusing on the clit itself. (I personally like a little spanky-spanky on the outside. Okay, I like a LOT of spanking, but the light stuff feels good, too, light little slaps on the whole area.)  But then the author veers back into trying-too-hard territory. For oral, they recommend having your partner “approach your clitoris indirectly by lying perpendicular to you”. I’m sorry, the image of someone creeping carefully over my thigh, having to get their face in sideways across my mons and labia… I can’t focus on finally making my clitoral orgasm COMPLETE, I’m laughing too hard.

Vaginal Orgasm

“Though there is still some debate as to whether the G-spot exists, 30 percent of women claim they can have a big O from having the famous erogenous zone stimulated through penetration alone.”

I dunno? I don’t have a big O from sustained P-I-V, I mean, I do squirt a lot, and that’s not the same thing. But I’m looking at the techniques they suggest for G-spot stimulation and going nuh-uh. Getting up into your own vag with your fingers at the right angle is just not that easy; I found that particular territory for myself by playing around with a glass g-spot wand.

Their recommendation for P-I-V intercourse to get you there—because we must have as much heteronormative, cisgender, P-I-V action in this piece as we can!—is… Face-to-face scissoring? Really? I mean, never mind that dicks get hard at various angles and different partners are going to fit differently in the same position. This position is also not particularly accommodating for bellies or average/shorter dicks, and … <headbonk> Once you’ve found the G-spot, I guess sex writers would go out of business if they just said, every time, to experiment with different positions and find one that hits the spot.

Blended Orgasm

“Experts say a combined clitoral and vaginal orgasm is the most powerful finale (it can be twice as strong and intense as either orgasm is by itself). ‘You’re getting the best of both worlds,’ explains <certified sex therapist>.” WHO I KINDA WANT TO THROTTLE. Overachieving isn’t just for school or work now, it’s for sex, too! Have the biggest best orgasm you can! The orgasms you’re having currently just aren’t big enough. THEY AREN’T THE BEST.

(This is the sort of thing that makes me super cautious about trying to teach role-play/dirty-talk workshops: I just don’t want to add to the pressure! Thankfully for the future of Terrible Sex Tips, most other educators don’t feel the same compunctions.)

The article’s recommendation for increasing your chances of having a blended orgasm? “‘A blended orgasm is easier if the woman becomes very aroused before she has intercourse,’ says <certified sex therapist>.” Well. Okay. This is a Great Sex Tip… FOR EVERY SITUATION IN SEX INVOLVING A WOMAN. Hence it is a Terrible Sex Tip in this particular article, because either you say it in every fucking article, or IT SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE SAID.

And then…

Multiple Orgasms

Take breaks and vary the pace. Also good for most every sexual encounter. Switch it up, drop it down. …

Gah. I’m tired after reading this article. It just keeps pushing and pushing and pushing, offering ideas to help us feel MORE, or keep us going longer. These are not Terrible Sex Tips in themselves—if you want to feel more, by all means, get out there and try something different—but they’re being put in the service of making readers feel less. In the context of supporting the over-achiever, keeping-up-with-the-Joneses trend in pop-culture sex education today, this piece isn’t terrible. It’s just pushy, condescending, and judgmental. Therefore… yeah, it is Terrible.

You can have your one kind of orgasm. You can fumble and find others that don’t fit in this foursome. You might discover that you have 13 notably different orgasm experiences, or you can feel outstanding with that one thing you do with the shower attachment and the bit of raw ginger and Puccini playing in the background. But there is no “should”. You don’t have to have your orgasms any particular way at all.

*****

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