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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “9 sex positions you can do with your clothes on”

The egregious recycling that accretes at the core of most Terrible Sex Tips is nowhere more obvious than over at Bustle. They keep the same illustrations for their positions, and just switch ’em up depending on the article, reshuffling the deck for the same tired playlists: Better orgasms. Kinkier sex. Smaller dicks (e.g. how to make your pussy feel tighter).

I honestly thought this article, 9 sex positions you can do with your clothes on, was going somewhere else entirely, giving us something honestly useful. The “Not Terrible and Actually Useful Sex Tips” category would include things like:

• “Five positions least likely to trigger Judgy Face from your cat!”
• “Nine sexual activities for after you’ve just finished a large meal!”
• “Three positions for the too-small bed that you and your lover always get when you’re visiting your parents’ house!”

These are articles that would be genuinely of service to the sex-having world. I thought this piece would fall in this category, but boy was I wrong.

First of all, in spite of being the first Bustle sex-tip article I’ve seen that ventures outside of the heteronormative box by including a bit of girl-on-girl action, this piece is still way too reliant on penis-in-vagina options. Let’s be honest: In most cases of “holy fuck, we must get sexy-times NOW”, PiV sex is way more trouble than it’s worth. That shit is tricky when you’re in a hurry, and there are plenty of other ways to get your rocks off quickly, that don’t involve much of any clothing adjustment: Blowjobs. Hand jobs. Finger-banging. Dry humping. These are easy, these are relatively invisible, in terms of leaving a trail on clothing, and they are FAST to get in and out of.

The point of doing it with your clothing on is to get done fast. Unless fabric-based bondage or movement restriction is your thing, you aren’t leaving your clothes on to get off, you are doing it that way because you are short of time and you can’t be bothered. To that end, these positions should be timed for average amount of time of scrambling for an appropriate surface or structural support, getting into position, putting down prophylactics, if that’s gonna be a thing—and unless you’re fluid bonded, that should be a thing—then a couple minutes of fucking, pulling out, and adjusting the clothing. I NEED TO KNOW TIME before I can assess whether these positions are useful in a clothing-not-optional situation. Just because one can do these with clothes on, doesn’t mean they’re optimal in that environment or even recommended.

The writer talks a good game about how far the receiving party will need to pull pants down for the different positions, but I would like to humbly suggest the following: if you think there’s any possibility that you might be getting it on during an outing, you owe it to yourself and to the other person(s) to make that access as easy as possible AHEAD OF TIME. Anyone on the receiving end of pussy or ass penetration: think ahead! Sure, you can push your skinny pants to your knees, if you absolutely gotta get it in, but you are going to be fighting gravity and sticky skin on the way back up, at the very moment that someone is rattling the (unlocked, oops!) door knob to the restroom that you and your partner in speed-banging have been occupying for way too long. Skirts or kilts drop right into place. (Not trying to police your fashion, just saying.)

Also, pulling your knickers to the side, which is one of the writer’s recommended strategies for almost every single position, just isn’t as convenient as it sounds for get-in-get-out PiV. It can stretch your panties irretrievably, or snap them, if they’re of chintzy origin. Neither of you will be able to hold onto that elastic once things get crowded down there. And I’ve got two words for you, once you let go of that leg hole: chafed dick, which is painful for bio dick and awkward for any dick.

If you must wear panties, cut a big hole in the right spot, or get crotchless. Otherwise, save yourself laundry and friction and go commando! If you like to wear nylons, invest in a good garter belt and some proper stockings (yes, skip the underwear). The look pushes people’s retro/lingerie fetish buttons, and you can still dress up your legs but not have to worry about rolling the pantyhose down.

I don’t think the writer has done any of these herself, is my point. Lack of field research and testing, or at the very least, expert input, is a Terrible Thing in sex tips.

*****

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