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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “I’d like to try sex with other men. Where do I look and should I explain myself?”

I consider myself mainly hetero and want to get to know how sex with another man is. How do I meet somebody and should I explain my situation or just pretend I am into men?

Online dating was MADE for people like you: you know exactly what you want, but you lack access to what you want in “meat space”/”the real world.” In your case, you may not know clubs that cater to man-on-man action—although I assure you, those spaces are out there, especially in large cities like Berlin, and if you decide you do like getting it on with dudes in the occasional not-gay way, you might want to investigate those clubs.

Right now those spaces may feel a little out of reach for you, and I think slightly anxious newbie energy is not going to show you to your best advantage in the clubs. There is a vast amount of space between “I am curious about dick” and “I wanna go dry hump a stranger to some heavy techno beats!”

So, start with the online thing. A lot of people have success with OKCupid; I don’t know how it is for gay guys, but you could just sign in and take a look. Remember, however, that they have a real-names policy, so if you are feeling like keeping this exploration period under wraps for whatever reason, tread carefully here. Grindr is an app for men specifically looking for sex with other men, with more a focus on hook-ups, which it sounds like what you want.

If digital stuff leaves you feeling a little cold, you could supplement it with the old-fashioned approach: ask close friends to help you look around. I don’t mean put it out on Facebook or anything, but if you talk about sex already with friends, and if you feel comfortable opening the door, you could let them know what you’re looking for (something casual and more experimental) and let them put it out there for you. They will have your best interests at heart, so you know they’re probably not going to set you up with anyone scary.

Whichever paths you choose for your search, I think you will be better served and more at ease by letting people know a little bit about your truth. You don’t have to say O HAI I’M A VIRGIN AND I’M CURIOUS, I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU, JUST YOUR COCK. That feels a little objectifying, as if all your options out there are potentially interchangeable, as far as you are concerned.

To be fair, there are definitely men out there who are into gay-sex virgins, so if you don’t mind being a little objectified in return, go for it. Otherwise, I think it’s enough to say “I’m pretty inexperienced, but I’m keen and willing to learn.” That’s the sort of spirit that goes well in the bedroom!

And, if you really don’t want to worry about coming off like a dick in terms of exploring gay sex? Save up and hire a male escort. With sex workers, you can say exactly what you want here and they aren’t going to be hurt or act weird. It’s actually another thing that is made for your situation. Good luck!

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