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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “7 Difficult Sex Positions That Are Actually Worth the Effort”

Like, the iron butterfly that will snap his neck off?

Butterfly? Like, the iron butterfly that will snap his neck off?

More terrible sex positions... Oh, wait. Not terrible, just difficult. Note to publisher: because you call them "difficult" in the headline doesn't absolve you of responsibility for putting these out into the world. No disclaimers allowed on this shit. People get weird around sex positions, all over-achievery and stuff. You might as well just call them "leveling up your sex-position game."

1. The Side Straddle
Okay, so here we have reverse cowgirl with a 30- to 45-degree rotation on the dick, plus a potentially strong power-grind position on the thigh. Honestly, I haven't heard from a whole lotta cowgirls that reverse cowgirl really works. Exactly one person has told me they dig doing it, so I'm not sure this position, even with that 30-degree twist, is worth it. Also, I'm concerned about his thigh hair chafing at her pussy. Is that a thing? Am I hanging out with a lot of hairy men? The author says that positions facing away are "sexy and animalistic". THAT IS NOT A UNIVERSAL. Frankly, I wanna see my partner's teeth bared, like a sex-maddened baboon.

2. Butterfly
This starts out promisingly, with a flat surface, anything that is a bit lower than your partner's pelvis. But once you get heel-to-shoulder contact in a way that is strictly support-structure, you know this is going to get complicated. Why all the trouble to lift your hips up off the bed? "Being a bit up in the air makes it feel precarious, in a fun way." Look, precarious is not fun, not when hard bits and wet bits are involved. You want those connections to be as STEADY AS POSSIBLE. If he's going to really go for it, he doesn't need your heels pulling down against his shoulders as your core muscles finally give way. Screw the hanging-by-the-heels approach. Get a Liberator cushion block or just a bunch of pillows.

3. The Sofa Brace
It's just doggy over the back of a couch. All that power that people love—the people who love doggy-style, that is—all of that pounding, hard thrusting over the back of the couch, repeated thudding impact on the back of the… uh, does no one else look at this position. and say GODDAMN Y'ALL GONNA KNOCK THAT THING RIGHT OVER.

4. The Bridge
"...just like in yoga class but way more fun." I have yet to see one of these challenging-positions articles not reference yoga class. Are you seeing the scene? Organic red lentils soaking on the kitchen counter, stripped-off yoga pants left on the recycled bamboo floor while the two of you work those core muscles in deep, g-spot loving tandem. I think sex-position articles should have a universal symbol for "intermediate yoga required"

5. The Crab Walk
Do you get turned on by watching your partner do the crab walk? SO HOT. "You're going to look a little ridiculous," warns the author. Ain't nothin' wrong with fooling around, but this one makes me want to pull out some Three Stooges music. If you really want this position, you could just start from cowgirl, have him open his legs and sit up, and then slowly fall back onto your hands. It's the same basic thing, slightly less fuss in the set-up. But THEN YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THE CRAB WALK FOREPLAY

6. The Cross
You know, I've done this one, and yes, it is a good angle for clit play, but there is no leverage for either partner to get connected in any significant way. You're wrapping your calves around his back and levering upward, while he's trying to push forward. The movement vectors just don't match.

7. X Marks The Spot
Okay, so you start out "Picking up Cleveland" (legs up and spread a little, like radio antennae) and then cross your legs once his dick is in. Why it's worth it? Tight, she says. Right, fine. I guess if you're that worried that he might slip out unnoticed, give it a shot, but I tried this just now, and I can report that if you have thighs of (any) thickness, he's gonna be jamming them crossways so hard, he's not going to have energy for thrusting or leverage or anything else.

The one sensible piece of this article was the part about taking it out with your partner beforehand, even doing a tech rehearsal, fully clothed and when you're not in the throes of passion. But the positions… let's just say that for once, the illustrations with a sex-tip article will tell you exactly what you need to know. Pay attention to the pictures, and remember that normal laws of physics apply.

*****

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