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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “Please Your Husband By Becoming His Mistress”

The headline was problematic, so when I saw that this piece was authored by a “Dr.”, well, I HAD to do a background check. Dr. Cadell has a doctorate in Human Behavior from Newport University, which is pretty much an online diploma mill, as far as I can tell from the web site. She’s affiliated with some reputable sex-ed programs, although I don’t know in what capacity. She’s got a list of media appearances as long as an average-sized third leg. And she writes like a church lady on ecstasy. Who talks about becoming your husband’s mistress anymore? I’m pretty sure that went out in the ‘70s, which THANK GOD. I mean, LOOK AT THIS TERRIBLE SHIT:

1) Look good for him and for yourself. 

I’m all in favor of dressing up. If you’ve got the closet space, go on and bring out your sex play costumes as often as you like (although how a pair of high heels “enhances his sense of sight” is a mystery). But this expert is not encouraging him to play dress-up. She doesn’t even mention him changing his underwear, never mind putting on a pair of high heels. She suggests the apron-only outfit “when serving him breakfast in bed.” Way to fold a couple of subby stereotypes into one! Oh, and this: “Getting dressed up is also a great way for a woman to get into a juicy frame of mind after a rough day at work or exhausting time with the children.”

<insert angry emoticon here>

2) Flirt with your husband. 

Start by giving him a physical compliment daily and touch him when he least expects it.

I get that it’s easy to take your partner for granted, but … why does the woman have to be doing all of this? Why can’t they sit down and agree to hit on each other in a more egalitarian fashion? One tip from this section points out the basically anachronistic tone of this whole piece: “squeeze his butt playfully just before he leaves for work.” Right. But what if you are also a money-earner? What if you’ve got presentations all this week and your slide shows are crashing? What about the kids screaming about the choice of cold cereal this morning? If “your man” is regularly down in the trenches with you, then yeah, he deserves a butt squeeze. Otherwise, fuck him.

3) Make dates spontaneous. 

But then the writer goes on to say, “Make it memorable by recreating some of the dates you went on before you got married.”

Are you kidding? Those dates early on in the relationships can be some of the highest prep-to-outcome events ever! Here, she addresses that by putting the responsibility for picnic-ordering and site selection in the woman’s hands. Again.

4) Be adventurous. 

What is adventurous here? The woman making the first move. Reading 50 Shades of Grey to each other. Taking a class at the writer’s own online Loveology University. “Adventurous” is relative, and this tells you everything you need to know about the author’s scale.

5) Don’t ambush him with complaints. 

Men want their wives to be happy, so the last thing they want to hear about after work is complaints about all the things that went wrong in your home.

WUT. This item is LOADED with seriously retrogressive phrasings:

• let him feel like a king
• if he can’t fix a problem, he might feel emasculated
• communicate positive things
• don’t “ambush” him
• “he probably doesn’t want to hear about your shopping spree.”

RULES FOR SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE AS DRAWN FROM SIXTIES SITCOMS.

6) Play into his fantasies. 

Yeah, but she follows that up with a warning list: Men’s sexual fantasies are generally more sexually explicit, more physically arousing, about objects of desire, more likely to specify sexual acts, more visual in content and more likely to contain details about physical appearance. Unlike women’s, which are all satin sheets and chocolate and curtains blowing in the night breeze?

7) Ignite your passion to fuel his fire. 

When you please yourself, you automatically please your partner because he does not want to work at giving you pleasure and quite frankly it’s not his job anyway.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH. WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. Warm yourself up, because men are lazy slackers. Since when should giving pleasure be a “job” for anyone but sex workers? Oh, right. Since forty years ago, and apparently still today.

The takeaway from today’s post? Honorifics and letters around a person’s name cannot save those sex tips, if they are truly terrible.

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