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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “Cool kids don’t ejaculate”

 

I started out tonight feeling good about myself, but now I just feel ashamed and like I need to sit on a mountain top for 20 years...

I started out tonight feeling good about myself, but now I just feel ashamed and like I need to sit on a mountain top for 20 years...

Hey, cis dudes! Do you surreptitiously check out all the women’s magazines at the checkout and wish YOUR manly man masculinity guides, er, media sources offered you even half that many ways to feel inadequate about your sex life?

Well, you’re in LUCK. The crappiest sex tips I could find this week are all about you and why you shouldn’t come: because it’s not cool.

No, really! It’s right there in the headline! “Cool Kids Don’t Ejaculate.”

This is not progress. Men, cis or trans, do not need to feel more insecure about their sex lives to keep up with women, just like they don’t need to develop more eating disorders (but they are, <sigh>). And they certainly don’t need a fresh batch of hipsterish peer pressure. What they do need to do is start examining the sex tips coming at them, to see how terrible they are. Because gentleman: they ARE coming for you.

Before I get started, let me be clear: I understand that delaying orgasm can be super-duper amazing. And if there are things that most cisgendered men can do to add more pleasure processes to their sex kit, then yes, that is an awesome thing to do. I’m slamming this article because of its tone. I’m tone-slamming. WHY MUST WE TAKE THIS APPROACH:

“Even though the reasons for ejaculating are natural and reasonable, they are generally shallow and superficial.”

You don’t want to be shallow and superficial, do you?

Subtle, right? And there's lots of it. This piece is egregiously body-shaming, which is, um, a shame, because it’s generally true, that many men have insecurity about the speed with which they orgasm, and they wish that they could come more slowly, and there are exercises and meditations about this, not to mention the entire struggle to disentangle ourselves from wack-ass societal views about sexuality. But the language used in this piece, which supposedly supports that struggle, is RIDICULOUSLY condescending and dismissive.

“Orgasms are transient, it’s over and gone. The pleasure only lasts for about ten to fifteen seconds, it’s a short and sharp peak of pleasure followed by an immediate crash.”

Basically, your standard Through The Dick (TTD) orgasm, according to this article, is like a sugar rush of sex. When you come through your dick, it is crap. The writer offers SO MANY REASONS why this is so.

“It gives you quick and unsatisfying sex.” Yes, if you only define sex as penis in vagina! He goes on to write, “The majority of women need twenty to thirty minutes of penetrative sex to reach a vaginal, G-spot, or whole-body orgasm.” Hey there! Most women can’t reach orgasm with penetrative sex at all!

“If you ejaculate too fast, you’re denying your partner the more meaningful orgasm she deserves.” Again, with the whole “clitoris is meaningless” trope. Let me reassure you fellas, clitoral orgasms are pretty damn spiffy, so don’t feel like you have to hold off for our sake. We’ll let you know if our bed-shaking Os are lacking in existential meaning. I mean, the only time when I felt empty after a clitoral orgasm was after I had had four of them in a row and was probably dehydrated as a result.

A bit later, the author writes, “Any sex after ejaculation usually becomes mechanical or with the sole purpose of bringing their partner to orgasm.” Then maybe… don’t let it become mechanical? Talk to your partner about what they want? NEWS FLASH: You can stay connected without being physically linked up. It’s not like you’re disrupting an actual electrical current here after you pull out. (PS: there is nothing wrong about wanting to bring your partner to an orgasm.)

The article cites “poor self-esteem” as a reason why ejaculation is bad for you, and goes on to say, “Many men experience deep self-judgment around their inability to last as long as they like, or long enough to satisfy their partner.” Hmmm, I wonder where they can possibly be getting this from? Whether the stigma comes from toxic masculinity—Real Men™ need to be able to keep it up all night—or from overwhelming woo—it’s just capitulating to your baser animal nature—cis dudes are kinda getting it from both sides. Which sounds more fun than this is.

<sigh>

Sex tip writers, especially in the more esoteric erotic arts, you need to know: relentless meat-shaming and superiority only add to the general problem of people feeling bad about their bodies. This isn’t helping anyone, and it makes for really terrible sex tips.

*****

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