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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “I think I will die in the Friend Zone.”

it's less an actual bucket, and more a state of mind.

I didn’t have sex from long time because I’m always Friend-Zoned! I have a lot of female friends, but all of them consider me as their best, nice, kind brother! I think I will die in Friend Zone. PS: I’m also so shy person.

Dear Fuckbucketeer, you did not ask a question, but the question is nonetheless there, in every unnecessary capital letter and exclamation point: HOW DO I GET OUT OF THE “FRIEND ZONE”?

The answer to your dilemma is simple: the friend zone doesn’t exist.

What you’re talking about is being a friend. This is not a zone, a danger spot to get out of while the klaxons are blaring. Being a friend, and having friends of whatever gender, is an awesome thing. It is great that you have female friends!

Your problem is you want a girlfriend, and you’re afraid to ask. That’s not your female friends doing anything to you. Your women friends are almost certainly not being cock (or cunt) teases, or deliberately trying to jerk you around; they are being friendly, nothing more.

In light of that, “Friend-Zone” is a terrible phrase, whether used as a noun or a verb. It radiates resentment and entitlement, and it is a bad look on anyone. I recommend you excise it immediately from your vocabulary, because most women, upon hearing it, will heed their inner instincts and RUN TO THE HILLS.

The thing is, "the Friend Zone" is your creation; it’s you not taking action to let your female friends know that you’d like to date them. I know you said you’re shy, but you really can’t expect women to make the first move all the time, to somehow see through your friend-making actions and words and read between the lines and see that actually you want to date them. If you want more than friends—if you are looking for romantic connections—you have to let them know!

BUT. Before you do that, please consider the following questions:

  • Are you actually okay with being “just friends”?
  • Why are you appending the word “just” in front of “friends”?
  • What will happen if you ask one of your female friends out on a date and she says no? Will you be okay with that, or would you hang around and try again, hoping that eventually she will “see the light”?
  • Are you willing to walk away from female friends if they tell you straight out that they don't want to date you, and you know that you aren't looking for more female friends?
  • Are you willing to lose female friends if they suddenly feel weird knowing that you’ve been hanging out this whole time wanting to go out with them? Because that will be a little weird to find out, out of nowhere.
  • Are all or the majority of your female friends people you actually want to date? If yes, do you understand that this is a problem?
  • When you make friendly moves toward a woman who you have just met, do you do so with the hope/expectation that maybe the relationship will drift into a romantic one someday?
  • Do you do lots of friendly/helpful things for your female friends, things that good friends would normally do for each other, and then feel disappointed and/or resentful when they do not reciprocate with jumping your bones or otherwise making the moves on you?
  • On average, how many friendly actions do you do for a woman before you start resenting that she is not being romantic in your direction? Do you have a ledger in your brain where you keep track of these actions? If so, you need to burn it and get right with the whole idea of “friends.”

I advise sitting with these questions for a while, before you either meet any other new women OR bravely decide to ask one of your current female friends out on a date. Then, when you've truly come to grips with it, perhaps with the help of a counselor, go forth and use your words. Say what you want, be open and vulnerable, brace yourself for rejection.

This is part of what it is to be alive and to be responsible for your own heart.

*****

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