Archive for Other Writing I Do

TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “Five Christmas Sex Positions for a Really Happy Holiday”



No, Cosmo. NO. BAD COSMO. No Christmas-themed sex tips. Santa is not getting you a goddamned thing this year, in retaliation for this tinsel-strewn tripe. The names are as cheesy as a Hickory Farms gift basket, the positions are Ghosts of Terrible Sex Tips Past, and let's be honest: anyone who actually celebrates this particular winter holiday is not gonna have time for any fancy-ass fa-la-la. At best, they'll be double-spiking their own drinks and falling asleep with self-stick bows on their heads. Festive!

The Stocking Stuffer

Give missionary a seasonal twist by lying on the edge of the bed, putting your legs straight up, and having him push them slightly to the side. Have him enter you from a standing position. Keeping your legs together makes you feel extra tight. Cozy!

Unless you're doing a lot of core-muscle workout already, this one is going to kink up your spine faster than eight hopped-up flying reindeer. You think your man is going to help you hold up your legs? Hah! He's going to be right off his head in ecstasy from how your normally floppy meat pocket suddenly fits him just right. What do you get the straight cisman who has everything? TIGHT FUCKING PUSSY.

On a One-Horse Open Sleigh, Hey!

Find a penis-level table (the back of a sofa works too) and lie down on your stomach with your butt at the edge and your legs hanging over. Have him grab onto your hips for dear life, lifting your legs and holding them up like a way sexier version of reins. On Dasher and Dancer, but mostly, on Vixen!

Ah, yes, the core-jarring, hip-hoisting, hope-your-boyfriend-is-strong-enough Plow position. They have to put cute names on it, because otherwise it just sounds exactly as brutal as it is. So if you want to add to the season's disappointment and fuckery, by all means bend over the festal board, bruise your elbows, knock over some lit candles, break one of the table leaves… the wreckage will give you a good story for Christmas dinner!

Santa's Lap Dance

Have him sit down, leaning back, then back onto him, slowly guiding him inside you. Keep your feet on the floor and lean forward a bit. Bequeath him with full-on lap dance gyrations, and he will be more than happy to reach around and rub you on in encouragement. #AllAboutTheGiving.

I personally feel that any lap dance worth this name needs to involve balancing a plate of cookies and a glass of milk on your shelf-booty. Now THAT'S sexy. And let's be real, if you were going to be giving Santa a lap-dance, you would need to move his "bowlful of jelly" out of the way to get any kind of proper friction going on. And "allaboutthegiving", HAH. Sorry to be a grinch, but the reach-around this writer mentions doesn't happen under full lap-dance conditions. Who has arms that long?

The Island of Misfit Toys

In sideways 69 position, slide a vibrating toy into your vagina, then have him use a small clit stimulator on you at the same time. This will seriously unhinge you, but if you can manage to get it together, loop a cock ring around the base of his balls and use a masturbation sleeve on him. Or if he's into anal play, go all MacGyver on his ass (in this case, in his ass) and try a butt plug on him while you give him a blow job. Tricky to rig everything up, but there are no unwanted toys here.

This here's a matter of personal taste and level of concentration, but I frankly can't handle mutual genital stimulation even without the toys. When you start dumping the contents of your Christmas stockings all over each other, that gets confusing really fast. Do you have down a little towel or puppy pad for when that butt plug suddenly shoots out of his ass mid-suck? Can you hear each other over the cacophony of buzz? Do you have all the batteries?

Twas the Bang Before Christmas

Lean your head back over the edge of the bed in this modified missionary until visions of sugar plums dance in your head. Precarious and head-rush-inducing — in the very best way.

This thing about getting a head rush reminds me of kids spinning around and around on the playground so that they get dizzy enough to fall down. Also, I thought one of the most important aspects of missionary, for people who like it, was the eye contact? Just hold your breath a little bit, or make yourself hyperventilate; it's less strain on your neck.

Next year, Cosmo, I wanna see you honor the true spirit of the winter holidays by giving us some pagan positions. "Debauched Donkey." "Bed of Holly." "The Green Man Cometh." Give us something nice and nature-loving, thanks!


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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: 17 Sexy Phrases GUARANTEED To Get Him All Hot And Bothered

I love how your cock feels in....uh... hang on, I lost my line...

I love how your cock feels in....uh... hang on, I lost my line...

Disclosure: I have recently begun teaching Intimacy Improv, a workshop to get people feeling more comfortable with dirty talk and role play. The guy who wrote this week's really terrible tips on dirty talk, this is the largest part of what his online tutorials are about.

But I don't think of him as a competitor. First of all, he's way more famous than I am already. He's got his videos and his approach, and there are apparently enough people in the world to believe that dirty talk is all about the objectively right words, delivered in the right way, that he will have enthusiastic takers for his wares until the end of time. What do those eager students get? Weak-sauce, gender-stereotype suggestions like this:

"Having a large repertoire of dirty phrases that you can use on your man is important if you want to keep things exciting in the bedroom (and outside the bedroom) as well as keeping him faithful."

Sir, could you not just have left this with "keeping things exciting"? Because the closing three words in that sentence—"keeping him faithful"—deliver an ominous subtext: Be dirty so he doesn't get bored. It will be your fault if he cheats on you, your fault for not being enough of a pervert. Gah. And describing dirty talk as something that you "use on your man" makes it sound like a tool for manipulating someone, not a toy with which to engage your partner in verbal play.

"There is just no point in learning the words if you don't know how to use them properly," says the author. Properly. Ah. This is gonna be good.

How You Talk Dirty
"When talking dirty to your man, you are going to find that you have a lot more success at turning your man on and building sexual tension if you do it confidently. So the next time you talk dirty to your man, make sure to speak slowly and clearly in a way that accentuates the meaning of the actual words."

Slow and clear. That's the way I deliver fem-domme stuff on the phone, that's definitely how you play confident. But that's not necessarily the way I would ever utter stuff in person, and when someone is talking to dirty to me, I want them to talk the way that they're feeling. I want to struggle to hear their whisper. I want their voice low and growly, or trembling and falling away because it is so damn good. As for myself, maybe (probably!) I want to play the little girl. Maybe I am teasing more than telling. Maybe well-modulated is a shitty substitute for how you really feel.

"The last thing you want to do is stutter the words or say them incredibly fast or in a weird tone. My advice is to practice these dirty talking phrases a few times to yourself before you actually use them on your man."

Pro tip: For most people who aren't actors, rehearsing phrases just ends up making them sound rehearsed.

"So now that I have talked a little bit about using dirty talk in a way that is most effective, it's time to learn some dirty talking phrases!"

Hear that? Get your notebook out and write these down. Study them on the bus. Post them near your mirror. Record the lines into a recorder, and listen to them until you fall asleep at night. Maybe make some flashcards? You're learning a whole new language, sweetheart.

Dirty phrases to turn him on in bed:
•    You feel so good on top of me.
  (or underneath me)
•    Just hearing you breathe in my ear sends shivers down my spine.
   (TOO LOUD, TOO LOUD, GODDAMN, move your mouth away from my ear.)
•    I love just touching your body. It feels incredible.
   (It feels edible. NOMNOMNOM)
•    I wish we could just stay in bed forever.
   (Wasting away, trapped by our lust...)
•    Just like that!
(No, not that, the thing you did five seconds ago. No, the thing with the vibrations... sigh. No. Just keep going.)

•    Faster!
   (Why is slower not on this list?)
•    I love being your little minx in the bedroom.
(No one uses the word "minx" anymore except burlesquers and sex advice columnists. Update with "bitch", it means the same thing. What, is that TOO bold?)
•    I want to taste you.
   (So edible...)
•    Keep doing that.
•    You're going to put me over the edge.
   (Sorry, all I hear is the line from Shrek: "I'M A DONKEY ON THE EDGE!")
•    You're making me too turned on.
(Too turned on, what does that even mean? Too turned on for what? Too turned on to drive a car? Too turned on to accurately calculate the value of pi to 100 places? Finish the goddamn sentence to be both sexier and more vivid. Bonus for non sequitors.)

Dirty talking phrases to build sexual tension:
"When you're not in bed, you can use dirty talk much more subtly and discreetly to build sexual tension and also keep your man thinking about you (for hours and hours) rather than just instantly turning him on like with you would using the previous dirty talk phrases."

It's as easy as flipping on a light switch, apparently! (I will leave the dim-bulb comparison as a side note.)

•    I can't wait until we're alone, I've got a special surprise for you!
   (I got a tattoo!)
•    Seeing you in those jeans is making me want to jump you.
•    If we weren't out in public, I would be doing some very naughty things to you right now!
  (Naughty. You are not eight. Unless that's your game, in which case, go for it.)
•    I wish we could just leave this party/movie theatre/concert and go somewhere private. I am just too horny!
   (You can leave! Fuck social expectations! Find a broom closet!)
•    Don't look at me like that, you know it turns me on.
   (It's the googly-eye glasses, god, so fucking hot.)   
•    You know I wore this skirt/these jeans just for you.
   (Just kidding, it's laundry day.)

<head in hands>

This is exactly the stuff that I hate about the public perceptions of what "dirty talk" is, the very reason I stopped TEACHING workshops for a few years. I got tired of dealing with people's misguided expectations; they wanted to learn a formula or phrasebook for dirty talk, something that worked on everyone. I didn't know exactly what to offer instead, but I knew that wasn't right. Phone-sex operators, who are working with quantities of dirty-talk partners daily, even we don't have scripts for dirty talk, because that would be ridiculous. Men are people, and people are individuals.

So no, I don't see the author as a competitor. More like a philosophical arch-nemesis.


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