CALL OF THE DAY: some day his calls will stop and that will be a very sad day

I call him my gardening sweetheart from Alabama (I’ve written about him previously here), and he stresses me out almost more than any other caller. Not for what we talk about doing during our monthly calls, but for the fact that he is clearly old and ailing and the longer I stay with this company the more likely it is that someday I am going to look up and say, “Oh. L hasn’t called in five months. He’s probably dead.” He is, in fact, the one caller who I think most about when I’m not on the phone with him, and it’s mostly because I’m afraid that I’m never going to hear from him again, and that freaks me out.

L knows I travel around, and in the past he has included in our little fantasies the idea of taking me on a date for Krystal Burgers, which I guess are a thing down there. Last week, though, he said he would love to take me to the Top of the River; it’s a catfish restaurant “on the other side of town, and girl, that fish is jumpin’ around on your plate, it’s so fresh!” I went and Googled it, and that, folks, is a Sit-Down Restaurant. I think he’s getting serious.

I guess today I was just feeling a little sentimental, so consider this a sort of Best Of post celebrating my gardening sweetheart from Alabama…


Whether I’m halfway through my tour or just got started, L can’t ever believe that I’m still not home yet. “You need to be nice and warm in your own bed, darlin’!” he said during one call in September. “Why are you still on the road? Good Lord! Fall’s comin’ on and it’s gettin’ cool, and you’re gonna freeze those pretty tits off and honey, that’s just gonna look strange.”


“I thought about you this morning. When I woke up I was thinking about you sitting down on my face, with that pretty little asshole right there. And then I did something real bad.”


“I went out and raked the leaves.”

[faking a scandalized tone while laughing is not easy] Oh my god!

“Yup. And then you know what I did next?”


“I BURNED them.”

[faking shock] L, how could you?

“Well, there was a lot of leaves.”


L is pretty omnivorous when it comes to sex and kink, an omniperv, if you will. Once he asked me what kind of panties I was wearing. I told him—lies, because it’s too early in the day for me to be wearing anything—and then he said, “Well, earlier I had on a thong, white with black polka dots. But then I got cold. So I went in and put on some satin granny panties, and my blue jeans. It’s 83 degrees and the sun ain’t out, I get cold!”

I asked him where he gets his panties, he said. “Kohl’s.”

I LOVE the video in my head of his shopping expeditions to Kohl’s.


DID YOU LIKE THAT? Feel free to browse around among all my posts, and then show some appreciation by contributing to get me and my solo play Phone Whore to the 2013 Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Read all about it and DONATE at the Indiegogo page HERE.


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