Blog

Call of the Day: Larry’s view on marriage

I am going to be digging back through some of my old Facebook posts for what I label Calls of the Day, just little snapshots of some of my more interesting encounters. Let’s start the new series with this one, fresh off the phone…

Loyal readers of mine from Facebook may remember this regular of mine, an older gentleman from Alabama who charms the fucking socks off me every time we talk. He likes me to “talk dirty” for about a minute, to unleash a burst of panty-sniffing, piss-drinking, ass-fucking profanity at him. He comes, and then we spend the rest of the call just… talking.

The first time he called me, we ended up discussing fertilizer and sunlight for his flowers (he’s a dedicated gardener). Other times it’s been the relative merits of Krystal Burgers to any other sliders available in his area, and how he’d love to have me rake his leaves naked and then he’d buy me some Krystal burgers for our date.  Things like that.

I’m always really glad to hear from him, partly because he really is an old man, getting close to 70. (I know, because his birthday is in a couple of weeks. Jeezus, I know his birthday.) He has told me about some of his health problems, and frankly, I worry if I don’t hear from him once a month. But I also love to talk with him because sometimes… he just comes up with stuff out of what feels like NOWHERE, that makes me feel even better about who he is as a person. I don’t need to feel good about my callers, but I like to.

Yesterday, Larry gave me this: “You probably wouldn’t guess this about me, darlin’, but I read and study the Bible.” Oh, well, that doesn’t surprise me too much. “Well, this might get me into trouble with a lot of other people, but I don’t think the Lord’s view on marriage is what everyone thinks it is.” Really. “Yes, now, all it says in the Bible is that when a man cleaves unto a woman, they are married in God’s eyes. The Old Testament Jewish wedding, they didn’t have any rabbi up there running a ceremony, they just got together in a tent and did it.” Uh-huh.

“So really, I could go out and have sex with 12 women in a row and I’m married to each one of them.” Uh-HUH. I think your wife might have something to say about that, Larry.

I love Larry.