“Who calls on Christmas Day?”

Everybody needs to unwind sometimes after a tough day at work...

Everybody needs to unwind sometimes after a tough day at work…

“Who calls on Christmas Day?”

I don’t know. It’s a little past 10:30am Eastern, and my on-call day is just starting, so it’s hard to say who calls. People do. Historically, not many (“historically” meaning for me “Christmas Days starting in 2009”).

But I don’t think the questioner is looking for a factual answer. There is a little sprinkling of judgment all over that question, of the same variety as “who uses phone sex?”: who are these people who call strange women for sex talk, and why aren’t they getting it in real life? And, oh, at this time of year? I don’t know who they are. It varies. But I wish people would remember that we don’t all have Christmas trees to gather around on Christmas Day, for various reasons.

We’re pagans. We celebrated last night. We just moved to a new town. We’re Jewish. We are estranged from our families of birth; we’re far away from our families of choice. We’re traveling. We’re Muslim. We don’t like big parties. We’re allergic to pine needles. We’re celebrating tonight. We’re atheists. We’re working.

And you know what else? Even if people are having a totally picture-perfect Christmas Day, with pajama-clad kids and mistletoe and egg nog and all the relatives, SOMETIMES ERECTIONS STILL HAPPEN. For those guys who enjoy the audio, or like to dress up, or like the fantasies that would take two hours to rig up in real life, a quickie call from the upstairs bathroom can take care of it. The sex urge doesn’t stop just because you’re on vacation or you’re tired from wrapping presents the night before; the sex urge is no respecter of gods or persons or Grandma’s roast goose.

So while I can’t generalize about who calls on Christmas Day, I know who will call on this Christmas Day: the people who like or need help rubbing one out. There is nothing wrong with that, any day of the year.


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