“Who calls on Valentine’s Day?”

I wrote about this a little back in December, when several people wondered out loud to me, “Who calls at Christmas?” As it turned out, only two people called during my shift on December 25, and they were both seven-minute calls, so I didn’t get a chance to ask them more about why were they calling a phone sex line on a major national holiday and DIDN’T THEY HAVE ANY FAMILY TO BE WITH.

Just kidding. See, I’d never ask them a question like that, because a) it’s none of my business; b) not a sexy question; and c) still none of my business.  I’m also hesitant to linger on that issue, because it could easily go in the opposite direction, as in “don’t I have any family to be with?” And the answer was no, but it’s not a depressing no, so I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about it.

Darn it, I wish we didn't need both hands to use these phones!

Darn it, I wish we didn’t need both hands to use these phones!

But yeah. Valentine’s Day is another one of those big holidays where people wonder. It’s the perfect set-up for a really hack joke, about lonely dudes and phone sex and wow, isn’t that sad.

Psht. These things are only sad if you assign disproportionate value to whatever trait or familial and/or relationship constellation is being celebrated by the holiday, whatever it is that “makes” that day special. If you believe that Christmas is all about biological family and long outings in the snow followed by hot chocolate around the fireplace and “God bless us, every one!”, then yeah, the idea that, on that special day, people seek out physical release or emotional connection from someone they pay, that might seem a little weird.

Similarly, if you believe that Valentine’s Day is all about that special someone (just one!) and intimate dinners and impractical romantic gestures, and that everyone needs that one person and if you don’t have a special one, that is a end goal devoutly to be wished, and you should be putting all of your energy toward getting that in your life… well, if you believe this day is all about that, then obviously in your view, someone spending on phone sex what they could be spending on dead flowers and a heart-shaped box of second-rate chocolates, they are making the wrong choices in life.

Don’t get me wrong. I like getting together with friends and having sex and eating fondue and going out on great dates and making snow angels, all the stuff that goes along with these kinds of holidays. But I can get that action any day of the year. The big holidays like Valentine’s Day or Christmas are arbitrary and invariably ramped up, in a capitalist society, with lots of pressure to buy in. Literally. There is something you’re supposed to be spending money on, or at the very least, some activity that you’re supposed to be spending your time on. If you don’t buy it, if you’re not into it, people look at you funny, anyway. And if you turn around and spend that money on sexy times, well, let’s just frost that weird little cake with a thick layer of social stigma and you can eat it.

That’s what’s going on here. Really.

So, I don’t know who calls on Valentine’s Day, or St. Patrick’s Day, or New Year’s Eve. All different guys who, for whatever reason, want a little sexytime off the holiday grid. You can stop asking now.


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