TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: 17 Sex Positions Men Love MOST

This piece should only have had seven positions. That’s what it says in the URL, and at the link you will find that the text-only article has seven items, basically a run-down of the most common positions with all the stupid stereotypical reasons that a dude would love them (“he loves having your curves in full view,” “it allows for deeper penetration, making him feel like king in the bedroom”). HOWEVER, in the incredibly annoying slideshow the total count is 17, and that was a mistake. Those last 10 positions plunge this piece from trite to terrible.

For starters, as always, the ridiculous position names. Stop trying to start a trend! Your coy shit will not catch on! Why The Valedictorian (no.8), for example? Is this supposed to get him to the “Top of Your (cl)Ass”? I simply think of that one as “honey, my legs are cramping up, I need to stretch them but I don’t want you to pull out.” In this same category of crap position titles we find The Flatiron (no. 10). I propose calling that one the Roadkill. You know, a flattened Doggie? Eh? Eh? I TOTALLY THINK THAT COULD TAKE OFF, stop looking at me.

You know what makes terrible sex tips even more terrible? SHITTY ILLUSTRATIONS. These slide shows of stock photography are the pits, especially when the written description doesn’t actually tell you how to get in the position, or any salient details about slot A and tab B. These photos aren’t allowed to get explicit and sex-ed—they’re going for a quick little hit of soft-core titillation, something not quite NSFW—so they can’t actually show you anything helpful.

For The Pretzel (no. 9) the description says, “This is one you’ve probably never tried before…” I can’t tell if I’ve never tried it before; that artfully crumpled goddamn sheet is in the way! For this position they are really trying to load on the mystery: “… since neither of you is in total control, you’ll have to work together to find a rhythm that will send you both over the edge, making this a great position for feeling a mental connection.” Most sexual positions involve working together on that rhythm, don’t they? This ends up sounding like a cross between Rubik’s Cube and bumper cars.

The Sidewinder (no. 15) has a similar problem: the description tells you nothing, and in the photo they’re both wearing pants. Unless this guy’s dick is coming out the top of his thigh, all that would ever be going on in this position is high-school-level dry humping. Which is fine! I love me some dry humping! But this piece is supposed to be about WET humping, and in no world is a lady in knickers straddling a thigh getting wet humped, I don’t care how good she is about pressing her knee up against his dick through those… are those basketball shorts?! TAKE THOSE OFF, JEEZUS CHRIST.

What about the Angled Missionary (No. 11)? “He’s on top just like standard Missionary, but angled about 45 degrees to the side.” Nope, not seeing that in the picture! And can we please get more details here? Where is he going to be putting his knees? Where should he put his hands for better leverage? Does this mean the woman’s legs need to be flat the whole time? Because you can’t raise your knees and thighs if his belly is in the way. If you’re going to give measurements for the angle, you should be able to be at least as specific about compensating for all the different ways you’re fucking up the position.

Now let us delve into the really stupid stuff, like Eyes to the Sky (no. 16). “Start off in reverse cowgirl and slowly lean back so your back is on his chest and you’re both facing the ceiling.” They don’t say you’ll have to arch your back like crazy to keep that dick in you, unless he’s super well-endowed and doesn’t mind his dick being bent.  Oh, actually, they mention it, kind of obliquely: “Since it’s harder for him to go deep, he’ll last way longer.” More likely, he’ll slip out multiple times until you both say “Fuck it, wanna have some ice cream?”

And now for the crème de la crap, The Waterfall (no. 17). The picture for this is, as they say online, unrelated. It’s neck noshing, which I like, but that’s not what The Waterfall is about. They can’t actually show what the Waterfall is about, because people would just NOPE away from that shit too quickly to count for advertisers’ click tallies. The description is for once graphic enough.

“Have your man lay (sic) on his back with his shoulders and head hanging down on the floor. With you doing all the work, he can just sit back, relax and and enjoy.” He’s not sitting back, he’s lying there with his head increasingly bonking up against the floor as your cowgirl grind pushes him ever backward over the edge of the bed. He’s not relaxing, he’s flailing around with his arms to the side, trying to brace himself against the downward slide and support his back, which really isn’t meant for 90-degree backward angles.

“So what makes this so special?” continues the description. “The head rush will give him a sensation like he’s never felt before when he finishes. (Just save this one for last so he doesn’t get uncomfortable.)” Because yes, it’s hard to keep going with an aneurysm and a broken spine.

Tackling these awful sex tips, one wretched slide show at a time. Support the campaign, patronize me over on Patreon!

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