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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “Sex Positions from around the World”

Hooray! I found another red flag for Terrible Sex Tips! Pretty soon I will have enough to start my own splinter group of the Communist Party. (The Perverts’ Republic of Pussy, but the traditional Communist slogan fits just fine: “From each according to their ability, to each according to their need.”)

Today’s scarlet banner of “don’t bother with this fucker”? Anything that purports to be “international.”

Inevitably, when sex-tip writers try to spice up their own repertoire and “get international,” they end up sounding like provincial rubes. In such articles, stereotypes abound and the Renaming Fallacy (“renaming a standard position makes it more exciting”) reigns supreme.

Resist the fallacy; this is not true. These hot moves are not “from foreign countries”; there is nothing new under the sun. That’s still going to be doggy style, whatever four-legged animal name you call it. Missionary is still missionary, even if it’s supposed to be from India and you call it “Heart Lotus Blooming.” (Did I mention stereotypes?) Such articles are just bringing you the same old stuff, with maybe a “foreign-sounding” expert thrown in to make you feel like you’re really getting to go around the world.

This particular United Colors of Terrible Sex Tips brings us only three new positions, all of them from Europe, which is hardly “from around the world.” That’s like the chorus from Pit Bull’s song “International Love” mentioning only American cities. That’s not fucking international. That’s three short trips on bargain airlines, come ON.

And where are these trips taking you? We visit “The Elephant,” supposedly representing Italy and France, which is basically a flattened-out doggy style, hips raised but belly to ground. The Italian sex expert quoted says it gives the thrill of rear access plus romance—which country mentioned represents romance and which represents rear entry?—but as far as I know, the elephant isn’t from either country, and if we’re going to be renaming something, I would prefer to call “The Elephant” something far more relevant to today’s audiences: The Road Kill.

Next up from Spain, “The Lotus,” both people sitting up, girl on top, legs wrapped around her partner. Surprisingly, the writer did not go to India for this imagery. The expert made the link between sexual repression in ’70s Spain and the popularity of The Last Tango In Paris, in which this position apparently featured. That’s not Spanish, even, that’s a French connection, and go home, silly sex-tip article, you’re drunk.

Finally, from the Netherlands, we get MISSIONARY, WITH ATTITUDE:

“This is normal missionary position—except for one titillating tweak: Your partner is spread-eagle.”

I mean, they’re not even trying.

Supposedly this missionary-with-attitude position is all about how open and vulnerable she’s being, which, I dunno. How much more vulnerable can you be, physically, than sharing your naked orifice with someone? And then think this through: if you’re spread-eagled, you aren’t going to be able to twine your fingers through your partner’s hair, or wrap your legs around their waist, or cup your hand along the side of the face.

Spread-eagle, unless there is bondage keeping your limbs out, gives you (the person on bottom) zero leverage, zero control, zero interaction. This is not attitude; this is lack of attitude. So I’ve got a new name for this one, too: Indifferent Starfish.

You’re feeling it, right? Yeah you are. Seriously, give me all the Terrible Sex Tip positions to rename. If I can’t make them more exciting, at least I can make them more accurate.

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