TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “Sex Positions from around the World”
Hooray! I found another red flag for Terrible Sex Tips! Pretty soon I will have enough to start my own splinter group of the Communist Party. (The Pervertsâ€™ Republic of Pussy, but the traditionalÂ Communist slogan fits just fine: â€œFrom each according to their ability, to each according to their need.â€)
Todayâ€™s scarlet banner of â€œdonâ€™t bother with this fuckerâ€? Anything that purports to be â€œinternational.â€
Inevitably, when sex-tip writers try to spice up their own repertoire and â€œget international,â€ they end up sounding like provincial rubes. In such articles, stereotypes abound and the Renaming Fallacy (â€œrenaming a standard position makes it more excitingâ€) reigns supreme.
Resist the fallacy; this is not true. These hot moves are not â€œfrom foreign countriesâ€; there is nothing new under the sun. Thatâ€™s still going to be doggy style, whatever four-legged animal name you call it. Missionary is still missionary, even if itâ€™s supposed to be from India and you call it â€œHeart Lotus Blooming.â€ (Did I mention stereotypes?) Such articles are just bringing you the same old stuff, with maybe a â€œforeign-soundingâ€ expert thrown in to make you feel like youâ€™re really getting to go around the world.
This particular United Colors of Terrible Sex Tips brings us only three new positions, all of them from Europe, which is hardly â€œfrom around the world.â€ Thatâ€™s like the chorus from Pit Bullâ€™s song â€œInternational Loveâ€ mentioning only American cities. Thatâ€™s not fucking international. Thatâ€™s three short trips on bargain airlines, come ON.
And where are these trips taking you? We visit â€œThe Elephant,â€ supposedly representing Italy and France, which is basically a flattened-out doggy style, hips raised but belly to ground. The Italian sex expert quoted says it gives the thrill of rear access plus romanceâ€”which country mentioned represents romance and which represents rear entry?â€”but as far as I know, the elephant isnâ€™t from either country, and if weâ€™re going to be renaming something, I would prefer to call “The Elephant” somethingÂ far more relevant to today’s audiences: The Road Kill.
Next up from Spain, â€œThe Lotus,â€ both people sitting up, girl on top, legs wrapped around her partner. Surprisingly, the writer did not go to India for this imagery. The expert made the link between sexual repression in ’70s Spain and the popularity of The Last Tango In Paris, in which this position apparently featured. Thatâ€™s not Spanish, even, thatâ€™s a French connection, and go home, silly sex-tip article, youâ€™re drunk.
Finally, from the Netherlands, we get MISSIONARY, WITH ATTITUDE:
â€œThis is normal missionary positionâ€”except for one titillating tweak: Your partner is spread-eagle.â€
I mean, theyâ€™re not even trying.
Supposedly this missionary-with-attitude position is all about how open and vulnerable sheâ€™s being, which, I dunno. How much more vulnerable can you be, physically, than sharing your naked orifice with someone? And then think this through: if youâ€™re spread-eagled, you arenâ€™t going to be able to twine your fingers through your partnerâ€™s hair, or wrap your legs around their waist, or cup your hand along the side of the face.
Spread-eagle, unless there is bondage keeping your limbs out, gives you (the person on bottom) zero leverage, zero control, zero interaction. This is not attitude; this is lack of attitude. So Iâ€™ve got a new name for this one, too: Indifferent Starfish.
You’re feeling it, right? Yeah you are. Seriously, give me all the Terrible Sex Tip positionsÂ to rename. If I can’t make them more exciting, at least I can make them more accurate.
Go on over to Patreon and do the Generous Point-and-Click Position. Become a patron of mine, and keep the magic alive!