TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “7 sex positions to make you more uninhibited in bed”
Sometimes sex tips arenâ€™t uniformly bad. Sometimes they arenâ€™t even that bad at all, except for the title, which manages in just a few words to shift oneâ€™s whole sexual psyche into a state of confusion and inexplicable angst. The title doesn’t match the content, and worse, it casts a terrible shadow over the whole.
So it is with this weekâ€™s Terrible Sex Tips: â€œseven sex positions to make you more uninhibited in bed.â€
Did you see that? These positions will make you more uninhibited in bed. As in, do these positions and â€œpoof,â€ youâ€™re uninhibited!
Of course, no one would argue out loud that thatâ€™s what the author meant, but that sure is what it sounds like, and no position or activity can “make you” do anything or be anything other than what you are in that moment. You can look as though you’re more uninhibited; that’s acting, and I can tell you how that should look. But actually shucking yourÂ inhibitions, shifting them out of your body and your head,Â takes at least a little bit of focus, more than you can get in a half-hour of sweaty, semi-verbal shagging. I do happen to agree with the writer, that many sexual inhibitions stem from poor body image and/or fear ofÂ appearing ridiculous. But you canâ€™t just do some really vulnerable position and flip that switch. Hell, if weâ€™re going to use an electrical apparatus as metaphor, this is not a switch, itâ€™s a slider along the whole goddamn body positive spectrum.
Yes, some people can bulldoze through discomfort, and for some things, â€œfake it â€˜til you make itâ€ is absolutely an awesome approach. I would like to humbly suggest, however, that naked sexing is a fairly advanced arena in which to start dismantling oneâ€™s body insecurities. What about the rest of us? HowÂ about some truly useful activities that can help edge usÂ along?
- Mirror gaze with self-touch.Â Start by getting comfortable in front of a mirror. Standing, sitting, recliningâ€¦ your position is not important as long as you can see most of yourself. Beginning at the top of your head, look at your body in the mirror. Just observe it: the shadows, the dimpling, the hair, the texture of your skin, the coloring, the shape. If you find yourself avoiding one part of your body, or feeling a strong negative reaction to it, just make a mental note of it, say â€œIâ€™m not comfortable, but I can come back to thatâ€, and move on. As you view your body, trace the path of your own gaze with your hands. Observe what those shadows and dimples feel like, what the skin feels like where itâ€™s rough or smooth, where the muscles lie under the skin, where the weight of flesh falls.
- Fetishize my elbow!Â Prepare by making a short list of external body parts that feel relatively neutral to you, and writing those down on scraps of paper, which you put into a hat. Sitting across from your lover, take turns drawing items out of the hat, spending a few seconds appreciatively eyeballing that part of your loverâ€™s body, and then lustfully describing that part or touching it, if theyâ€™re okay with it. Maybe it is what you can do with it or to it, maybe you focus on the visual aspect, or the tactile component, or all of it. Get super specific and stay positive. In fact, go ahead and get absurdly lavish in your praise! The person receiving this adoration of their elbow or whatever just needs to sit back and murmur â€œyou know you want itâ€ at regular and appropriate intervals.
- O FACE!Â This is something for you and your partner(s) in the heat of the moment, when youâ€™re about ready to come. (Do discuss beforehand!) Instead of what you normally do when you orgasm (sounds or faces), do something entirely different, something COMPLETELY wacko like, oh, I donâ€™t know, bleat like a goat when you come, or stick your tongue out and cross your eyes. You may not be able to keep your erection or reach an orgasm like this, you may bust out laughing, but keep it up for a few times, and keep O Face in your regular rotation of sexy-time games. Itâ€™s an important and hilarious reminder that no O face that you naturally make can ever be as silly as goat noises.
I just made those sex tips up, but I can pretty much guarantee that theyâ€™ll be dramatically easier on the psyche than anything in the problematically titled article. You can work up to keeping the lights on. You can ease into body-part appreciation, starting with elbows and gradually ramping up to bellies. I do think most people will catch more hang-ups with silly games than with straight-up sexing.
Testing out more non-terrible sex tips soon on my financial supporters. You can be in that select group by becoming a patron of mine over on Patreon!