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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “Sex Positions Inspired By The 12 Days Of Christmas”

Oh, the relief of finding the right metaphor!

Okay, so you know those cheap sex toys, not bargain, not good ­, but cheap? They might be the color of the moment, in sex-toy-land, and they’ve got some flashy attachments/appendages, but you can tell even before you get to the fine print on the packaging that, somewhere at the bottom of that fine print will be the phrase “for novelty purposes only.” This is so that if the Screwdriver 3000 unthreads itself right into your junk mid-screw, the manufacturer will have legal recourse to say, “But we never meant you to use it the way the rest of the packaging suggests! It’s just an ice breaker item for hen parties!”

The target of today’s Terrible Sex Tips is like that. In fact, a lot of Terrible Sex Tips are like that; I’m glad I finally found the right analogy to work with. Holiday or seasonally themed sex tips are the worst, because they are more or less disposable, like a party dress from Forever 21. No one has tested these tips, obviously, but they look good on paper, and maybe they’re cute, and the web site can sell the shit out of them for a few more clicks during the off-week between Xmas and New Year’s Eve.

So! Disposable, silly, and probably malfunctioning! That’s what we’re looking at today, with something based on the Twelve Days of Christmas song!

Only instead of buying your lover a bunch of birds like some sort of maniac, give them sex moves inspired by the tune.

May God help us all.

A partridge in a pear tree – The partridge in a pear tree is cunnilingus with a festive twist. Your crotch is the metaphorical pear tree and they are the partridge. Cut up a pear and place the pieces on your area for your partner to eat off like a bird.

• If you have to say it’s festive, it probably isn’t.
• “Crotch” and “area” as euphemisms are like the ice bucket challenge for sex tips. Not sexy.
• NO FRUIT NEAR YOUR COOCH, FUCK, because you know what else isn’t sexy? YEAST INFECTIONS.

Two turtle doves – On the second day of Christmas give it to your true love by doing the turtle doves: straddle your lover while he is crouched on the bed or floor, try to balance while both of you keeps your arms folded in (like you’re doing the chicken dance) and beating your “wings” as you pump. Make like two turtle doves and hump.

Every possible version of this that I can imagine involves two naked people kinda… hopping and waddling at each other and bumping into each other until one of them falls over. It’s like playing chicken, but no one’s smart enough to get out of the way.

Eight maids a milking – On the eighth day of Christmas give it to your true love and make sure your titties are very accessible (aka you on top) because it’s a day of breast play. Your partner is the maid and you are being a-milked.

Nothing says holiday sexy times like MOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Ten lords a leaping – On the tenth day of Christmas give it to your true love and have your partner hoist you in the air while you split your legs like you are leaping.

Ballet dancers train for YEARS to do this shit, and this writer is encouraging people to just, you know, sling each other around like bags of kitty litter. And are we talking front split or side split? That is going to dramatically affect penetrative possibilities.

Twelve drummers drumming – On the twelfth day of Christmas give it to your true love in the drummers drumming position: you lay on your back with your legs up, instead of resting them on their shoulders, have them grab your ankles and pretend they’re drumsticks.

[TESTING NEEDED] except I can tell you the results: this is not even a thing that is physically possibly in our timeline and universe. Human intersecting anatomies don’t work that way.

Beware the novelty toys of sex tips, my friends: they’re only fun until someone loses an eye!

This is a terrible way to celebrate anything.

*****

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, for those who celebrate something! GO STRONG, for those, like myself, who don’t. In either case, this is a good time of year to consider becoming a patron of mine over on Patreon. Resolve to support the sex-aware arts!