FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “What is your favourite place for a quickie outdoors?”

My favorite spot is like this, only a lot darker and less full of puddles

I don’t have one favorite spot; they all kinda suck, for one reason or another. I’m very much into creature comforts and so if I’m feeling the urge for a quickie, I’d rather just hurry home and spend whatever time on public transportation ramping my partner up.

However, I do have a set of criteria for selecting spots for outdoor fuckery, if the spirit should happen to move me. It has happened, and I’m sure it will happen again.

  • Is it dry? The place, not me. Is the spot we are scouting currently dry and, if the weather looks as though it could go south at any moment, is the spot protected from the elements? If there is anything wet happening with me and sex, I want to know exactly what it is. (This is in line with my number-one rule for walking in urban environments: if you didn’t spill it, don’t step in it.)
  • Is it protected from peepers? I am not that much of an exhibitionist, when it comes to actual sex. I don’t seek out opportunities for other people to watch me doin’ it. So, any place that I am playing around outside needs to be difficult to see into, with decent walls or thick shadows, hardly any foot traffic. And at the same time…
  • Does it offer good sightlines for us? I don’t want other people to see me, but I want to be able to see them, if a stray passerby pops up. Pockets of shadow are good, alleys with a few lights and also a couple of deep alcoves.
  • Is it hidden from the closest CCTV cameras? Not an issue out in the country so much, but in any major city this will be an issue, especially in the UK, increasingly everywhere.
  • Does it offer something sturdy to lean against? Anything that involves full-out lying down is just not really suitable for a quickie, for starters. Also, if the position involves anyone thrusting in anyone else, there needs to be some vertical surface to brace this perverted act of union against. Stand-alone thrusting is a recipe for falling over.
  • Are there any movement-activated lights? Self-explanatory.

When assessed according to these criteria, my top three places have been:

An alcove in Edinburgh, at 1:30am in a driving rain storm. The alcove was quite shallow, actually, so at any other time with any other kind of weather, we would have been exposed for all the world to see, but the pounding rain made it impossible for passersby to focus beyond the puddles they were about to step in.

An alley in Philadelphia, also late at night. We actually got reprimanded by an undercover cop who caught sight of us from the end of the alley, but the alley was dark enough and long enough that I was able to come once before we got busted. In retrospect, we should have looked for deeper alcoves, but we had already spend an evening wandering around looking for places with no security cameras; this felt like the best we were going to get.

A dark country lane in England, also late at night. (Night is obviously the easiest time to get away with this shit.) There were cheeky brambles, and the fence I was leaning on was none too sturdy. Also one random dog-walker at the end of the lane. But it was really dark, and we really wanted it, after a half-hour of trying to shake off a clueless friend. Hunger, as they say, is the best sauce.


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