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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “7 Reasons Angry Sex Is the Absolute BEST”

 

Also, this was the only meme I could find for "angry sex" that didn't veer perilously close to rape territory. :-(

Also, this was the only meme I could find for "angry sex" that didn't veer perilously close to rape territory. 🙁

Hyperbole is the death of sex tips.

Hyperbole kills the curiosity-boner for not delivering; it is usually unsupported by anything other than bouncingly evangelical enthusiasm for something that happened to work for the one individual, one time. Hyperbole pummels the soul with extreme possibility, and frankly, hyperbole sounds like a Valley Girl, which, like, not to be sexist or anything and I loved Clueless sooo much, but you just read that in Alicia Silverstone’s voice, didn’t you? Not the easiest voice to take seriously for sex tips. You got that voice in your head? Okay, now go over and read this article to yourself. In that voice. I’ll wait.

See what I mean?

I was actually thrilled to run across this piece, in the same way that a field entomologist would be thrilled and also hella cautious about a new large, stinky beetle. I’d never read anything like this article before: it is unsupported by ANYTHING. It’s a marvel of Terrible Sex Tips! It shouldn’t be possible! It should disappear into a black hole under the weight of its own emptiness!

No links, no sex experts (dubious or otherwise), no references to badly done studies buried in the pages of fifth-tier academic journals. This article is not even pretending to care about reality or veracity or anything. The whole thing cries out for a big, red, blinking [CITATION NEEDED] at the top of the page.

Because you know what? If someone is advocating for “angry sex” you bet your sweet bruised kidneys I am gonna want sources. Angry sex is rough sex, and rough sex needs a discussion about fuckin’ safe words and some well-linked thoughts about best practices for slapping someone’s face and things to maybe not try for the first time on your partner when you’re pissed off, like choking or what-not.

Lacking any links or resources, this writer needs to use “I” statements. There is nothing wrong with putting your own sex life out there as education and inspiration to other people—I’ve been doing that for years—but you gotta own your own shit. “This happened with me and my sweetie the other night, and we tried this, and holy fuck, that went well.”

But issuing sex advice with no “I” statements or professional input or even any links/references to info sources… well, we can only assume that everything in here is about her. And wow, that ends up being a pretty disturbing snapshot:

  • She and her partner mostly make love, but she wants a good pounding every now and then, and the during- or post-fight sex seems to be the only way she can get it, because asking for a good pounding just wouldn’t do the trick.
  • She thinks her partner “deserves a little smack,” but since that’s “not polite”—that’s NOT WHY YOU DON’T SMACK YOUR PARTNER—she punishes him in the bedroom by lying back and taunting him in missionary until his abs are cramping.
  • She’s afraid of discussion and arguments, because either she or her partner might explode verbally and that could end the relationship. Consequently, she and her partner have a hard time talking through disagreements (see “when we are mad, we are terrible listeners”).
  • She understandably gets tired of doing the emotional labor of running those conversations, so fuck it, rather than hash that shit out, let’s go full-out bonobo.
  • She’s probably tired of shaving and primping and dressing up in lingerie and heels for sex.

See what happens when you don’t substantiate your sex article with other people’s shit or even your own? I will drop the “I” statements in for you and then do a fuckin’ armchair analysis on your ass.

It’s a shame the writer didn’t aim for the informed approach, because I’m sure she could have dug up something about what the bonobos have to offer us in terms of relationship advice, never mind international politics. (Wouldn’t that be amazing?!) The subjective think-piece approach would also have been workable, since it allows the reader to do some mental work by imagining her own experiences and strategies in our own love lives.

But instead the author chickens out, leaving us to make all kinds of judgments about her. This is not someone I want to take advice from. These sex tips are terrible because she’s not acknowledging their source, which the reader needs in order to assess their viability or applicability.

To hell with hyperbole. It is the death of everything in the universe, including sex tips.

*****

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