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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “7 STEAMY Sex Positions That Burn Belly Fat (Yes, Really!)”

 

 

This article starts off with the following:

“Sex is hot. But wouldn’t it be even hotter if sex could make you, well… hotter?”

GARRRRGH. BODY-POSITIVE SEX ACTIVIST HULK SMASH.

Everyone knows what “hotter” means here—thinner, more toned but not too muscle-y—which, you know, only makes me want to take that idea and kill it and then cook it for 10 hours with some garlic and eat it on a soft taco. That is the ONLY way I am ever going to swallow the concept of objective hotness: when it’s dead and made tasty with guacamole and sour cream.

This article makes subtle use of one particularly terrible motif in mainstream sex tips: introducing feelings of self-loathing in the act of sex. Yes, you may be getting laid, but you could definitely stand “to get hotter,” because everyone could and everyone should want to. You may be knocking hotel headboards off the wall with the hottest, nastiest sex of your life, but don’t get too confident there: you are NOT HOT ENOUGH.

And then our puritanical origins pop up. Why do we want to keep making sex “useful”? Why do we need to keep finding excuses to be doing it? I’ll tell you why: because we are not hot enough to deserve hot sex. WE HAVE TO SUFFER FOR IT.

I already shredded an article very like this last fall, so I don’t want to spend too much time on this iteration. It brings back many of the same positions—planking, yoga bridge, standing—and adds in lunging for a bonus round of exercises that should never be performed on top of your lover.

Lunging! You know what I’m talking about! One foot forward, the other leg extended to the back, and then you just do that and hopefully get low enough that your bits will get tickled in some meaningful way. Your partner’s dick would have to be SUPER LONG in order to get anything good from this. Or you will have to lunge super low. Good luck. Don’t fall over!

Part of me wants to drop this whole trend of sex-as-exercise into the lap of one of my exercise-fanatic friends and say, hey, try these out for me just to confirm that this is at least as ridiculous as it seems on paper. Another part of me wants to flip the script, do an article about how to make exercises at the gym sexual! Our culture is more in need of bringing sexy back than inserting exercise virtue into every goddamn activity. And a lot of gym stuff is already halfway there, with the grunting and the sweating, and the repetitive bouncing and squatting. So what might that article include?

• Add Kegels to EVERYTHING! Try not to get tangled up on the elliptical trainer.
• Plank-Dom(me) mash-up. Hold that pose at least two minutes with your master or mistress sitting on you and spanking your ass.
• Treadmill strut. Don’t set the speed too fast. You’re not trying to cover ground, you’re trying to fill that air space WITH YOUR BOOTY.

See? This way at least makes the gym more fun. In the reverse direction, you’re subtracting joy from sex. Sex tips that encourage you to concentrate more on the look of your core muscles than the feel of your CUNT muscles are, by definition, terrible.

*****

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