Blog

TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “6 Ways To Make Going Down On You His FAVORITE Hobby”

The opening to this piece, which was sourced from the web site Latina, suggests that Latino men are less willing to go down on the ladies than white men are. I have not heard this, but I know, from anecdotal and personal experience, that plenty of straight men of all skin tones are less than reciprocal about going down than their partners would like.

Where “less than reciprocal” = OH NO JEEZUS CHRIST NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO DOWN THERE WHY ARE WOMEN’S BITS SO COMPLICATED NO NO NO.

I don’t have this problem anymore—THANK GOD—but when this article popped up in my Facebook feed, I wanted to see if there was anything in here to help my sisters of the Uncared-for Clam.

NOPE. It’s the same old mix of worship his dick, scrub yourself down, and do all the goddamn work.

No, seriously.

How can Number 1 on the list of ways to encourage him to do you is “do him”? I feel like blow jobs are already part of many straight women’s repertoire, and often wind up just being the entire sexual encounter. Specifically the expert cited herein talks about sucking his dick as “an act of worship,” meaning pay attention to his responses, don’t do it because you’re wanting some quim pro quo. But but but… you ARE wanting reciprocity here, right? To make it worse, the advice on cock-worshipping is pretty fuckin’ woo—“Activate all of your senses. Get out of your mind and be free”—and then they end this particular tip by saying, “If that doesn’t encourage him to go down on you, I don’t know what will.”

Yes, the writer as much as admits that they should have stopped right there. Sadly, they did not, so we are treated to such classic approaches as

Letting him wash your cunt himself. Because apparently unless he does it himself, he can’t really trust that you are squeaky clean? GARGHHHH. Pee comes out the tip of his dick, and no dude offers to wipe that off when he whips it out, do they? This suggestion is particularly terrifying in this article, because it actually says to “let him soap you up in the tub.” NO SOAP IN THE COOCH. NO SOAP THERE. NO. If you really feel like you gotta rinse, then just rinse. NEVER ANY SOAP.

Use toys. “Much like you hope he ejaculates in 2.2 seconds when you’re blowing him, he wants you to climax just as fast — so his tongue can rest!” Wait, wait, wait. I mean, yes toys. But sex tip writers, PLEASE don’t encourage your readers to think that wanting any pleasurable sex act to be over quickly is NORMAL. Maybe when you’re tired? But that’s not what was said here. We’ve already established that giving head should be an act of worship, right? With toys or without, he should be genuflecting to your genitals for a while.

Communicate, be willing to teach, experiment with positions… great. This particular service piece is not rotten through and through. But there are too many quotes from experts who are reinforcing the dominant paradigm of heteronormative pussy-eating. In this world view, eating out is part of a housecleaning list. Polish it up and get it done quick, and then you’ll get done, too.

Everyone’s genitals deserve better sex tips than that.

*****

We can’t get to a culture of proper cunnilingus and cock-sucking until we drag ALL THE OLD SHIT out onto the table and run it through the wringer. That’s what I’m here for! Show your love for my labor by becoming a patron of mine on Patreon!