CALL OF THE DAY: choose your own adventure, goddammit!
He doesnāt let me into his life, not even in a bullshit, made-up sort of way. When I ask him what heās been up to since we last talked, he always says, ānothing much, just working.ā Which, fair enough. Thatās what a lot of people do. But he knows that I travelāwith only the vaguest sense of whyāand so he asks me what Iāve been up to. This is a tricky question.
The answer either needs to involve young boysāI mean pre-teensāor young barely legal men, and stories like that are not the tricky part. Iāve done variations on both themes, but with this guy I never know which he really wants, and heās not telling. THAT is the tricky part.
More often than not he will switch up on me, after Iāve been going along at a good clip along one track, getting deeper and deeper into the narrative, such as it is. Weāve really developed this scene for six or seven minutes, and then suddenly heāll say, āSo what else have you been up to?ā And thatās my cue, that we are jumping tracks, which means that I now have two minutes to start from ground zero, develop the plot, and get him to come. It feels as though heās trying to jam two full-length feature films into a sexy three-minute trailer.
I feel more than a bit manipulated. The part of me that wants to keep people happy, this is the part that will let him go on and on and over the time limit, because he hasnāt come yet. He knows this, and at least partly believes that itās entirely my responsibility, because he often demands it of me, in a way that is no less urgent for being entirely irrational: āMake me come, make me come!ā If weāve had to interrupt the story and start from the beginning again, well thatās okay. People change their mind.
But that other part of me is keeping one eye cocked at the timer, and itās clear very quickly that heās going to go over. I have no problem giving him the two-minute warning, and then telling him I have to go once he hits the upper limit of his over time (1 minute over). But itās always work Iād rather not do, that I shouldnāt have to do if he hadnāt dropped onto a different track when the original time package was almost up.
I want him to choose, because my choosing is so rarely right. I canāt tell if Iām actually making the wrong choice all the time, or if thatās just the way he likes to operate. Why shouldnāt he? I mean, he gets a nice long appetizer followed by a quick and dirty main course, and more of that than he actually paid for. Sounds like a deal to me!
I finally told him in our most recent call, told him to choose for himself. He responded by saying, āWhich one turns you on the most?ā (because lately heās been getting into me coming, SIGH). I had to bite back a sharp retortāNEITHER ONE TURNS ME ON, YOU IDIOTāand instead said, no, sweetie, you choose, I like āem both, but itās more important what you want. Also, I added, because I was really sick of going over time with him, we need to pick one and stick to it. I always end up going over time with you, and I canāt do that.
āOh,ā he said, as if that problem had genuinely never occurred to him.
*****
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