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Author: camerynmoore

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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “My husband thinks it’s a great idea” (I bet)

I couldn't post this last Friday, because the UK went slightly sideways after the genital erection, er, general election. It's still sideways, to be honest, but life and sex go on. Let's dig into the Fuckbucket!

“Is it okay to invite my friend and her boyfriend to our party mainly because I really want to shag her boyfriend?! (My husband thinks it’s a great idea!)”

Hello, lovely Fuckbucketeer! Thank you for helping me illustrate that a lot can be read into Fuckbucket submissions, even if they’re hella short and written in not very legible pencil.

For example, the way you punctuated the bit in parentheses makes me think your husband is not an unbiased observer in this situation. I mean, I’m glad that the two of you are on the same page about your open relationship, and that he’s excited about the prospect of you getting some, but… he seems to be really excited about it, so I think maybe don’t listen to your husband on this one.

Let me note also the specific way that you asked what I thought about this. You did not ask “is it bad” or “is it wrong.” You asked “is it okay,” which means that, at least subconsciously, you are expecting/hoping/wanting me to answer yes, it’s okay.

I hate to pop your bubble, but the answer is no: it is not okay to invite your friend and her boyfriend to a party so that you can pounce on her boyfriend.

Fuckbucket questions are of necessity brief and lacking in context—like, there is nothing in your question that concerns their feelings or availability—but here’s a true thing: if you don’t know whether or not they have an open relationship, or you know definitively that they don’t have an open relationship and you just want to make a cheating move, well, you’re a shithead.

Sadly, the strategy you would like to implement is not any more acceptable if your friend and her shaggable sweetheart do have an open relationship. If you don’t know and like them enough to want to invite them to your party for their own sakes, regardless of outcome, then that’s a little weird. Or it could become weird.

Because honestly, I have to wonder about your ability to implement your strategy in an emotionally intelligent way. If you invite them mostly to get into his pants, I don’t think you’d be able to hide where your focus is. Some people could do that—flirt with the guy without making the girlfriend jealous and/or suspicious—but I don’t think you are one of those people. I suspect your friend would figure it out within 30 minutes, between you making unrepentant cow eyes at her lover and your guy standing around watching the scene unfold like his own personal porno.

You can avoid any potential ethical dilemmas here in just one easy step: Ask your friend and her lover about this shit before the party. Stepping into unknown sex and/or relationship territory after everyone’s had a few drinks is a bad idea. Have this conversation sober. If you don’t know your friend well enough to have this conversation sober? You don’t really know her well enough for this to be an ethical option.

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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “How many dates before you bring out the strap-on?”

“How many dates before you bring out the strap-on?”

Lovely Fuckbucketeer, let me put one thing out there first: surprise strap-ons are never the way to go. Anything penetrative and/or dick-shaped is usually going to be a strongly individual preference or anti-preference, shall we call it. I’m sure you were speaking metaphorically, and not advocating slipping your detachable penis into the action without checking first. I just want to make sure that my readers understand this too.

Anyway, once we take stealth dick out of the equation, when you introduce your willy depends on two things:

  • How do you define “dates”?
  • How important is the strap-on to your sex life?

If by “dates,” you mean more traditional courtship, like coffee dates and dinner-and-a-movie dates, maybe a snog on the couch or whatever, then you would wait until you’re having one of those important conversations, about wanting to have sex with each other and oh, shit, that’s on the table now, we need to sort out a little about what we want to do to each other.

Whether you have sex on the first date or wait six months, you should still eventually have a conversation, either online or in person, about what kind of sex you want, ideally before you actually get down to fucking. This is the time to bring up your sweet, sweet harness of hotness. If strap-on sex is more of a sometimes treat for you—the frequency depending on how much your partner digs it, if at all—it’s okay to wait until you’re a little further along, but again, talk first, don’t just strut out of the bathroom wearing it.

Alternately, try the ol’ sex-toy tour approach, and include the harness and dildo(s) as part of that tour. Pour a couple of glasses of wine, or make up some lovely hot chocolate, get comfortable on the sofa, and take turns cracking open your toy boxes! (Obviously, you’ll have wanted to double-check that everything is clean and well-stored before you display it like that). Even if your partner doesn’t go straight for the strap-on, you’ll find that a little bit of show-and-tell with your toys makes it easier to talk about the options. Take turns telling anecdotes, maybe dry-demonstrating anything that the other person hasn’t seen. This is possibly the best way to share your strap-on proclivities, or really any proclivities that involve particular object: showing off the object itself, and not in action.

If the strap-on is extremely important to you, as in, you never have sex without it, your best bet for dating would be environments where it is acceptable and appropriate to mention your strap-on right up front: sex- or kink-focused dating apps or web sites, queer orgies, after-hours room parties at sex-ed conferences. Put it in your bio for those environments, hell, take some strap-on selfies so that you’re not even going to have to worry about counting dates before letting people know; people will just know. This way you can be sure that you are attracting only people who like to receive strap-on action, and you can avoid at least one potentially awkward conversation about your silicone shlong.

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Strap me on, baby, I'm rocket-powered! And when you become a patron of mine over on Patreon, YOU ARE MY FUCKING FUEL.

FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “Can you love someone else when you’re not able to love yourself”

Welcome to "From the Fuckbucket," my newest experiment in blog subseries, in which I respond more fully to anonymous questions deposited in the Fuckbucket at Smut Slams.

If anyone thinks that Smut Slams are pure, unadulterated filth, just non-stop sexual sewage filling up the room, let me disabuse you of that notion. Sometimes we get tender questions in the Fuckbucket, like this one:

“Is it possible to love someone else when you’re not able to love yourself?”

Short answer: yes, and it’s necessary.

Long answer:

There are many ideas out there in self-help land that are actually not very helpful, ideas like “you attract the things that you think about,” or “if you focus really hard, you can feel money actually vibrating,” or “if you eat nothing but cabbage soup for the next three weeks you will finally be over your childhood trauma and coincidentally lose some weight, which is only a symbol of your baggage, of course you don’t care about losing weight, that’s so shallow, but HOORAY, you’ll be able to fit into your high school prom dress again, YOU WILL FINALLY BE FREE.”

The notion that you have to healed from a world of self-doubt before you can love anyone else falls in this category of bullshit things.

First of all, “loving yourself” is not a final destination. It is not a perfect ending place. No one gets there and they’re done. The world would never allow that. There are always things to fight against, to keep from internalizing. Our society is built on us continually teeter-tottering, finding new things to hate about ourselves and then seeking other things to make ourselves feel better.

There will be points in that journey, perhaps whole vast stretches, where we don’t love ourselves, not even half-way, where we are struggling to see any good in ourselves at all. At those times, I believe, not only is it possible to love someone else, but it’s essential.

Loving someone else is practice in being merciful. I personally am so much easier on friends for things that I would metaphorically flay myself for. I can fucking stew in my own juices for weeks or months about trifling mistakes, rehashing the situation over and over again and actually losing sleep over it. But when a loved one fucks up, I will go to extra trouble to persuade them that it’s not such a big deal (and really it isn’t). Something about that extra distance gives me perspective and space.

This is why you can love someone when you can’t love yourself. There is more room in your heart for other people. More importantly, in answer to this Fuckbucket question, it gives you practice in making more room in your heart. When you love other people, give them the support and encouragement and forgiveness, you are practicing that skill, of loving in spite of “imperfection.” You are practicing holding multiple and possibly contradictory ideas in your head at once about the other person: they are fucked up in some ways, but they are still worthy of my love. And someday, hopefully soon and often, hopefully when you need it, you will see that you are just like them, in that way.

Here’s the thing: I believe practicing that generous, forgiving love with people eventually helps us make room for loving ourselves in that same way. Doesn’t have to—lots of people don’t make that psychological leap—but it certainly can.

So please: if you are holding back from new or ongoing relationships because you are feeling bad about yourself: don’t. I mean, do get your counseling or your meds on and talk with someone. Loving other people should not be your escape hatch from dealing with your own stuff. But don’t automatically cut yourself off from the beautiful flow of humanity because you have something “flawed” to offer.

You are totally good enough for love.

(For people who are totally looking for steaming-hot ridiculous filth, don’t worry. The same Fuckbucket that gave us that question, also yielded up a detailed question about differences in the cum of my different lovers, as well as a confession about falling asleep with a butt plug in.)

 

Become a patron of mine over on Patreon, and know that you are helping to keep Smut Slam and the Fuckbucket and all of my weird/thoughtful writing up here and out there, making sex-aware culture wherever possible!

 

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