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You really like this dude; he is the sweetest, smartest, super good looking, smart, loving person, BUT he's the worst in bed with a tiny penis. What would you do?
For the record, I want to state that having a small penis is not necessarily a factor in whether someone is good or bad in bed; the converse is also not a given, that is, a large dick is not something that can automatically render acceptable an otherwise appalling waste of a human meat-bag. There are undoubtedly a few people for whom penis size is a make-or-break trait; the rest of us will at least try, and some will succeed in making do with what we got, plus some sex toys.
In other words, the tiny penis is not really the crucial point. Check yourself, dear Fuckbucketeer, about your biases here, because being "the worst in bed" is the real problem.
What you do about it depends on two things:
- how important sex really is to you, and
- whether or not you’ve already had a conversation about this
Some people don’t care as much about sex; for the purposes of this discussion, we can leave the asexual people alone. Such a relationship might be sustainable for them (although not if sex is really important to their partner and the partner doesn’t think they are doing anything badly and therefore are unwilling to change anything). But if sex is even moderately important to you, then you will want to do something to change the situation.
In case anyone is sitting there reading this post and thinking, “oh my god, that poor smut slam attendee, what a terrible situation!” please don’t stress. I think this question is a hypothetical one; the writer is not presently in this situation. But the issue of compatibility does come up frequently and it is a tricky one, whether you’re talking about who is doing a lot of work in bed or how to put the forks in the dishwasher the "right way." (Handles down, tines up, in case you were wondering.)
If you should ever find yourself in a situation like this, just know that you are going to have to use your words. You may decide to initiate a conversation or series of conversations, outside of the bedroom, about what you want in sex and how he could help you get that. There are even ways that you can communicate your needs better during sex, but it all comes down to the question: how much time do you want to invest in this? Sometimes—many times?—people don’t change. You have to decide for yourself when, if ever, you stop trying and get out.
Whatever else you do, please don’t write off your wanting better sex as “oh, it’s not that big of a deal.” It is that big of a deal. And don’t feel silly or shallow if it turns out that you end the relationship over whatever the issue. However perfect this person may be in all other respects, and however awesome they appear to outside people—people who are not you—you are the one who is going to have to live with this person. If an issue is important to you, then any irreconcilable differences there will eventually overshadow all the other great things about that person.
My short advice: figure out how much further time and energy you want to put into sharing your concerns with your partner. Set a limit, and if you reach it and nothing has changed for the better, leave.
Advice from a former Phone Whore? Perfect! Support my work, both on the stage and on the page, by becoming a patron of mine on Patreon!
I’m … not sure why one wouldn’t? If you are also compatible in other important areas, and there doesn’t exist a legal impediment against it, and both parties are capable of giving consent (of age, having a sound mind, not being a car or a corpse or an alpaca), then go on ahead and marry that fucker, if that’s what you both really want!
I did not get the sense from this question that this was a situation in progress for the writer. They were asking a hypothetical question only, but it had a certain sense of anxiety about it, as though they are looking ahead at a period in their life when they might be expected to “settle down”—or may also want that for themselves—but they’re looking at it from the vantage point of a period in their life when they are getting some good action going on, and they’re wondering if the wild sex life stuff ends at 30.
“When I settle down, will I have to just settle?” is perhaps one underlying question. “Maybe I will get to a point where I don’t have much choice,” this person is thinking, “or I have less than I do now. Maybe I will have to relinquish some of my expectations and settle for less than what I want.”
To this I say, fuck that noise, DON’T FUCKING SETTLE. If getting married or otherwise into a long-term, emotionally committed relationship is something you want to do, please hold out for the things that are most important to you, and if your sex life is important to you, keep that bit close to your heart. It is not weird or one-track to make one’s sexual compatibility and excitement an important part of your relationship quest, it’s just keeping your priorities clear.
There is, of course, that sexist notion that still persists in some people’s minds, that there are some women you can have a great time fucking, but you would never “bring home to meet your mother,” e.g. a good time versus a good wife. But this is patent bullshit. Like, I’m not even going to waste two more sentences on this terrible dichotomy. Get you a person who can be both.
The more I think about this question, the more sex and relationship myths I see, lurking underneath the surface. Yes, you can be both smoking hot and a suitably stable partner. No, marriage/cohabitation/whatever does not mean a death knell for your sex life. Yes, sex lives can change after you marry/move in, but that’s more to do with New Relationship Energy wearing off and maybe you taking each other for granted; it is not a sign that you have sacrificed your sex fantasy on the altar of domestic bliss.
If your fantasy fuck has all the other qualities you need for a life partner, whatever those may be, GREAT. Sit down and talk with them beforehand about things like date nights, and bucket lists and games and workshops and anything else you might be able to use to keep tapping into that molten core. It takes effort, in the face of real life, to keep fanning the flames of whatever kinky shit you’re into.
But you can do it. So go ahead and marry that perv. If they think about you the way you think about them, you’ll deserve each other.
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FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: In what way do you best phrase your feelings of insecurity without hurting your S.O.?
If this is your first conversation that the two of you will be having about things that might be accompanied by feelings of insecurity and jealousy, then you probably won’t be able to do it without some amount of hurt. These conversations, and the feelings that happen on both sides of the equation, are fucking challenging for most people, even if you’re used to having them—like many polyamorous people or open sex workers—and the first time out can feel scary and bad. Just remember: you aren’t unevolved or “basic” or whatever for having either the initial feelings of insecurity OR for feeling anxious about the conversation. They don’t teach this shit in school, although they should.
The best thing you can do going into such convos is for both people to assume the best intent and mutual investment on both sides. (If you can’t do that, then feeling insecure and jealous is not the deepest level of challenge that you have, and I recommend seeing a couples’ therapist pronto.)
Another basic thing is to really make yourself physically present. Sit across from each other so you can have eye contact; turn off the damn phones. And be prepared to breathe a lot and stay silent and listen.
I talked about this a while back, about leaving lots and lots space in tough conversations. You’ve got to leave room, take time to hear the other person and then come up with your response. This is basic conversational respect: don’t be preparing your response when you haven’t even listened completely to what they are saying.
It’s worth going into these with similar sorts of ground rules that you establish together. Whether that’s my “asterisk” concept (setting up a code word that indicates that you have finished speaking for the moment) or an understanding that one of you may cry when upset, but that doesn’t mean ending the conversation, whatever your particulars are, it’s good to get them out on the table to support the process.
Also, and maybe this is obvious, do some thinking ahead of time about what is really going on. Take notes for yourself if you need to; it’s easy to get lost in your head when emotions are running high. At the very least, spend a little time thinking or journaling about what happened to bring up this conversation, so that it’s not all unfolding real-time during your discussion.
Okay, enough about prepping. How about that actual conversation?
When you tell your partner about those feelings, hook them up to a specific event or situation where you feel them; that is, avoid sweeping statements like “I’m just feeling so insecure lately!” Try phrasing it as a cause-and-effect thing: “when you stay out so late and I don’t hear from you, I feel anxious/insecure/angry (whatever the tough emotion that you feel).” The cause, however, is not them, it’s a behavior or situation, and you are reporting your feeling about that situation, NOT THEM.
Spend some time digging in with your partner. Are you worried about losing your partner to someone else? Do you think that their co-workers are more attractive than you are? Are you missing some intimacy at home? Are you dealing with so much instability in your life that you just need one spot of stability, and you thought that was your partner, but now this is happening? Go deep. Because yes, there are things that they are doing or ways that they are being that are bringing these things up, but you are not a blank slate or a puppet with strings waiting to be pulled: you are bringing your own history and feelings in as well.
When you’ve hashed out what is really going on, and how they feel, and actually what are the facts about the situation, it’s time to ask for what you want. Can you lay down some action items, and make a date to check in on them? Sometimes the remedy is as simple as a phone call or text; maybe you do need a therapist together. What is something that they could do, or the two of you together, that would help you feel better?
Remember also to think about the things that you could do to help yourself. I’ve heard this called “self-soothing,” and holy crap, is it something that I have had to work on constantly when it comes to my own relationship insecurities. Basically, you’re looking at non-harmful things that you can do when you’re feeling bad, and also just committing to sitting through the uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes you need to share with your partner when the shitty feelings come up; sometimes you can share with trusted friends, or work on it by yourself through journaling or making art. You get to decide for yourself, hooray, self-sufficiency! (That was only partially sarcastic.)
Then at the end? Your partner might still feel hurt or whatever; you might still feel insecure. But make sure that you have something good to do together afterward, making dinner or watching a movie or a bath together, something bonding. Because you did it. Feeling insecure and hurt are normal things, but you talked about it, and you planned for change, and you still love each other and the world did not end. Well done!
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I wrote this piece years ago, as a way of laughing at how very and predictably single-minded many of my clients were about their phone sex preferences. In pursuing those preferences, their language was oddly specific, but also it was really consistent across demographics: the callers tended to distinguish between “nasty” and “kinky” in their requests for girls. I don’t know how they arrived at that consensus, because it’s not something I would have instinctively guessed.
In that world, “nasty” is weighted more negatively than “kinky”, as a adjective, and so it made sense to use “nasty” about a woman in a heterosexual pairing wanting to receive butt sex versus “kinky” when we’re talking about the man would want to be receiving. “Kinky” is too positive a word to use about a slut.
I don’t know how this difference came to be absorbed by my clients, nor do I know if it extends into the general population (I’ll let you know when I get the research grant to study that), but I’m curious, and Smut Slam gives me plenty of time and space to wonder, about that dichotomy and other phrasings.
At a Smut Slam, I’m the one who sets boundaries of what is discussed and how. I usually think of that in terms of content, but actually there is a lot that comes down to what kinds of words are used.
For example, I use the word “kinky” to tag topics that might traditionally fall into the category of BDSM or fetish, but also give them a little peppy boost, keep it playful and inviting at the same time. I would never use the word nasty about anything at Smut Slam, because yeah, I do think that word does have strong shades of judgment, and judgment is not what Smut Slam is about. I don’t see anything with the same judgy weight as “nasty” at these events, but that’s mostly because I wouldn’t allow it.
With Smut Slam, though, I can hear some of the same games that I was noting in phone sex: the words people are saying need to be run through a translator, because what they say isn’t entirely, or even mostly, what the words objectively mean.
What’s more, the translation is pretty much the same in every city. It’s not 100% across the board, but often enough to make me wonder if there are memos going out about language use that I don’t know about.
“How nasty are the stories?” – “I can’t wait to hear slutty women talk about butt sex and other ‘nasty’ things.”
“That sounds hardcore,” – “I am insecure about my sex life, but I want to try to impress you anyway. I’m going to go and be too nervous to get up and tell a story from the mic, but I want to be hardcore and will probably come back next month and tell something.”
“My friend would totally love this!” – “I would totally love this, but I don’t know you enough to say that, so I’m going to put the bad reputation on my slutty friend.”
“I don’t have anything.” – “I am feeling insecure about my sex life, especially given the name of this event, but don’t worry: there’s a good chance I will change my mind at intermission, because while I’m watching everyone tell their stories in the first half I will suddenly realize that I do too have stuff to tell and also everyone else is just as awkward as I am.”
“It’s not polished.” – “I want the story about the sex to be polished, because the sex itself definitely wasn’t.”
And to circle right back around to the beginning…
“I’ve got too many kinky stories to choose from!” – “I’ve got a couple of stories about threesomes that I can remember with any degree of accuracy; the rest is all a drunken blur. But I want to be one of the cool kids, and I’m betting that ‘kinky’ is what the cool kids are here in Smut Slam, so you’re going to get the threesome story.”
One of the great things about Smut Slam is that it’s all cool kids. So people don’t need to front like we are not all, at some point, scared shitless to say what we really mean..
I scare people shitless for the greater good of our sexual souls. If you’d like to make sure that work continues, hop on over to my Patreon page and become a patron!
FROM THE FUCKBUCKET: “What should I do when I just found out that me and my boyfriend are both subs?”
I recruit my Bucket Babes carefully: they have to be naturally outgoing and persuasive, in a gentle, encouraging way. And when they ask what they should wear, I give them the style in two words: “wholesome sleaze.”
This is the special sauce for every Smut Slam: you don’t even notice it as a separate ingredient, but it’s in everything. Wholesome sleaze. By which I mean, sleaze that is beneficial, that is good for your health in some way. The way we run it, Smut Slam is absolutely good for you.
I didn't invent the concept of "wholesome sleaze” out of nothing; it's something I apparently had naturally as part of my personality, to be fairly upfront about my sexuality AND ALSO be pretty cheery about it and not oppressive about pursuing it. (I feel like "the girl next door" is part of it, if the girl next door knew a lot about whips and chains, too.) I am enthusiastic about the full range of sexual experiences, as shared at a slam; I know how to take no for an answer, when I'm trying to encourage people to get involved; and I really do have fun with the conversations.
I urge other Smut Slam hosts to find their own ways to that vibe, because we have to talk about our own shit, and that is hard. Not everyone can do that, or wants to. We model acceptance about our selves and our sexual histories, we demonstrate some level of self-awareness and respect for who we were and who we are. That is way more than most job descriptions include, and yet it’s a key part of getting to that wholesome Smut Slam sleaze: radical openness and vulnerability. We ask nothing of our audiences that we aren't willing to do ourselves.
At the same time, we have to preserve radical boundaries as well. HARD-CORE BOUNDARIES, holy shit. At Smut Slam, we encourage audience members to share their stories, and so we keep the boundaries around the event solid.
We insist on private space for Smut Slams, so that no one gets to witness the event who hasn’t already heard and tacitly agreed to our code of conduct. We have a detailed and still evolving Code of Conduct, which we strive to live up to in order to build the most welcoming space possible. We as Smut Slam hosts might flirt with the entire fucking room, but we are not there to show off our stories or material, but instead to make a stable platform for attendees to stand on.
This care makes total sense when you understand that Smut Slam is not a show per se, it’s a sharing. It’s not a come-on in any way, in any direction; rather, it’s a community happening and even we don't know what's going to happen! The stories may be over the top, all cock and cunts and dungeon scenes, or they may be mellow and loving, gentle with nary a bad word in sight. Usually it's a mix, all in one night!
Smut Slam is some powerful sex-related chaos, in other words, and we hold the space where people can feel safe with it, with hosts who can be silly sometimes, and empathic, thoughtful, friendly.
Wholesome sleaze is what makes the container strong enough to contain it all.
Become a patron of mine on Patreon, and you become even more of a supporter of the kind of sex-aware work that I do, all over the place. This is especially going to be necessary in 2018, as I head out on an Australian tour and launch new slams all over Europe, too. Be a part of the magic!