Author: camerynmoore

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the set-up

There is a certain type of caller I get—I need to come up with a good label for them—where maybe they're calling the first time to just get a good wham-bam session in, and then I hook them with my wordsmithing.

I don't do it on purpose, and I'm not saying that other PSOs aren't capable of it, AND when pressed (up against a urinal, ba-dump-bump), I can and do deliver the brutal, sound-symphony-type fuck session as well as anyone. But I default to description. Lots of it. Big steaming loads of juicy, melt-in-your-mouth, caress-your-ears description. It's my training as a writer. And in phone sex it's a double-edged sword, which I learned very quickly to keep in its sheath.

My company mostly sells blocks of time, and I sure as shit don't get paid for going over. In fact, I get ripped a new one for going over, so, you know, negative reinforcement and all that. Even for the rare "open" calls, where I keep the timer running and call in when I'm done—the ones like what people think when they think phone sex—most callers are bargain-minded, and they don't have any patience if they aren't getting directly to the point. What I feel is an important element of the scene—the furniture in the basement, the color of my panties, giving equal stage time to all 12 members of the basketball time currently raping his ass—may not be of the essence, and they'll let me know somehow to move on.

But there are the ones who thrill to the details, who ask me to repeat a certain line. I make sure to mentally set aside that much time to get their gears grinding and set the scene. I mean, I get that it's part of their fetish thing, getting that kind of detail, but I still love it when it meshes with my chronic motormouth and becomes this joint creative collaboration. I thrive off the caller who wants to hear me spin out the negligee he needs to put on, or describe in-depth how my sweaty ass crack smells, or explicate how his wife will feel when she falls in love with another man with a bigger cock. One of my callers said once, "listening to you is like reading a novel, it's so rich!"

Well, and not everyone likes to read novels. Some people are more than satisfied with headlines and cereal boxes, and that's what I'll do. But when the phone-sex equivalent of a novel-reader comes along, I am ready.

CALL OF THE DAY: return of the Gentleman Ass Pirate

It's been really, really slow on the phones lately. It's not me, at least that's what my boss tells me. It's just that time of the year. Weather's getting nice, baseball is back on, tax returns are due. Aahhhhh, yes. People are getting concerned about money, and saving up for tax payments.

And phone sex is a luxury item. I'm not going to say anything about sex in general being a luxury, but 20 minutes of time once a week to talk to a stranger about having your wife get fucked by a couple of black dudes? Well, it's cheaper than therapy or actually hiring a couple of guys to do the deed, but not as cheap as just sitting at home in your dark bedroom and replaying last week's phone call in your head.

I'm in reruns and I'm not getting a cent.

In good news, I've been getting a small wave of people who used to be regulars, or at least who requested me a few times in a row, A YEAR AGO, and then didn't call back, until now. One of the dispatchers I asked about it last night, she said, "eh, they just like to try all the girls". Me, I wonder if they liked what they heard back then, but I didn't quite have the skills to hook them through and keep them on. Because it was A YEAR AGO.

There's no knowing, I suppose, but it's just fun to hear back from people who not only stuck in my mind, but apparently I stuck in theirs. Last night I heard back from my Gentleman Ass Pirate, after a 10-month absence. No recriminations, obviously, but I said, "well, we've spoken before, but I don't know if you remember...", and he interrupted and said in that sweet Southern accent, "Oh, no, honey, I remember your voice. You have a celebrity voice." I was like, what? He was a little drunk, so he sounded a little flustered. "I mean, you have a voice that sounds like you should be a celebrity. Like you should be on radio or something. You have a beautiful voice. I remember your voice."

Gentleman Ass Pirate, indeed. He proceeded to lay siege to my booty for 45 minutes, getting me to lick his dirty cock between bouts, and thanked me afterwards as graciously as a king.

Welcome back, pirate. Stay for a while this time. The wench is better than she was a year ago.

$300 for grass seed?! (post-orgasm humor from one of my guys)

One of my regulars, he's not particularly notable for the elaborateness of his fantasies, but every time we talk he always has a new sex joke to tell me afterward. Some people smoke a cigarette after, he tells jokes. And they're not mean bigot or rape jokes, either, which is a refreshing change from the open mic scene. The jokes Ron B. tells are kind of what Readers' Digest would run if they had a regular joke page called "The Birds and the Bees". Or maybe what your awesome great-uncle would tell out by the fire pit when your mom steps away for the marshmallows and he's had two beers too many. Here's the first installment!


There's a new salesperson at the department store who's learning the ropes. His manager repeatedly tells him how important add-ons are for increasing sales. "The next customer who comes through the door, I'll help him, and you watch how it's done, " she says.

So the next customer comes in and says, "I need five pounds of grass seed."

The manager says "Right away, sir." She goes out, finds the bag of grass seed, sets it on the counter and says, "That'll be $300."

The customer is stunned. "300 dollars for five pounds of grass seed?!"

"No, that's 5 dollars for the grass seed, and $295 for the 7-horsepower lawnmower you're going to need after all the grass comes up."

The customer looks thoughtful and then says, "you're right!" and he pays and leaves.

"I think I understand," says the newbie salesperson. "The next customer who comes in, I'll help them and you see if I've got it."

A few minutes later a woman comes up to the counter. the salesperson says, "Good morning, ma'am, may I help you? " the customer says, "I need a box of regular tampons."

The salesperson says "Right away." He goes out into the store, and comes back and places it on the counter and says, "that'll be $298."

The customer's jaw drops. "298 dollars for a box of tampons?!"

"No, the tampons are $3, and then $295 for a 7-horsepower lawnmower. Since you're not going to be doing any fucking for a while, you might as well mow the lawn."


I love it. Thanks, Ron!

Cameryn feels right at home at Bent Wit: Fantasy!

Title: Cameryn feels right at home at Bent Wit: Fantasy!
Location: Club Oberon, Zero Arrow Street (at Mass. Ave), Cambridge
Link out: Click here
Description: Yes, there will be mermaids. And French Horns. And, of course, Mariah Carey covers- are you really surprised?

Get your tickets early \'cause you don\'t want to miss this month\'s installation of Bent Wit Cabaret themed: Fantasy! This line-up is too juicy to ignore, so think happy thoughts, get dressed to the nines, and settle in to enjoy the radical explosion of our brains for your pleasure...

Hosted by: Mary Dolan and UnAmerika\'s Sweetheart Karin Webb
House Band: Elephant Tango Ensemble (including members of Goli and Humanwine)
Featuring the Genius of: Cameryn Moore the Phone Whore, Second Lines Social Aid and Pleasure Society Brass Band, Babes in Boinkland, Evan O\'Television, Sugar Dish, Femme Brulée, Lainey Schooltree, Ginger Rita, Rhino Preserves (a collaboration by french horn player Anne Howarth and Monkey House Dance\'s Karen Krolak), Puppets, and so much more...
Featured Drink: Smoke and Mirrors
Start Time: 20:00
Date: 2010-04-11

taking it to the next level

I read somewhere that you should never apologize on your blog for long gaps between postings. So, hey everyone! You all can suck my big pink overbooked dick! Woo-hoo!

The good news is, I am fully back in the swing of things. I was worried about re-entry after a month away, but everything was fine. Funnily enough, the first call on my first shift back was my extreme top. When the dispatcher told me it was going to be him, my heart sunk, because he always wants me to whimper and cry and beg, and come up with extreme torture to beg him for. Even though I am not actually getting my titties nailed to the wall—and that's not the most extreme that he gets—and I haven't come during one of his calls since that first time I got caught up in it and lost it, I still emerge on the other end of those 90-minute calls fucking wrung out and panting and sweaty, with a sore throat and aching head. At the end of it, all I could say was, well, everything else after this will be a snap.

My regular callers are certainly happy. My Saturday night lactation date was my second caller back, and when I said, "Wow, you got lucky! Tonight was my first night back on", he said, "I know, I marked it on my calender!"

So, yeah...

I don't quite know what to do with that kind of dedication, just like I don't know what to do with the almost-emotional welcome that my Tuesday-night trucker gave me. He was getting downright tender, letting me know how much he missed me (I believe it) and how he didn't even call the service that whole month (I don't believe it, but still, it's sweet of him to think to say it).

My trucker and I have been speaking for a half-hour once a week since... June 2009? Almost 10 months. Really? I mean... that's a committed phone bone right there. We're starting to reach the point—I can feel it in the way he half-says some things—where we're both wondering where this relationship is going. He wishes he could meet me, of course, which is different from my idea of the next level.

That would be the 45-minute level. Don't want to rush him into anything.

the opposite of phone sex

After months and months of talking with strange men about everything that gets them off, I have taken four weeks off with one of my partners to visit his homeland, a small-ish but crowded South Asian country where 89 percent of the population is Muslim, so incidentally I am not talking to any strange men at all about anything, let alone what kind of things they want to have stuck in their ass or stick in mine.

I am doing the opposite of phone sex.

It feels like a slight ache in the back left quadrant of my brain, as if I have undergone a delicate lobotomy and temporarily extracted the actual physical portion of my brain that normally handles the phone sex, and now the rest of my brain--including the tender bit that negotiates slightly fraught domestic life with sub-optimal skills in the local language and also the part that maintains the psychological defenses while I'm out in a car drawing stares from the rickshaw drivers and their passengers--is pressing down on that empty space and closing in.

I'm pushing back, of course; wouldn't be a PSO if I didn't have creative ways to keep the sleaze simmering. For example, I still have that sex-psychic vision overlay that puts little boxes of sex info over the heads of everyone I look at. It seems to function pretty well cross-culturally. I may not know the language well, and fetishes vary, but the basic impulses are still there, so that's a kick in the salwar kameez to play with. (Does anyone else play this game in their head, or is it just me?)

My Internet connection is working pretty well, so I still get to read status updates from my facebook friends, talking about pasties and piercings and burlesque shows in Germany and cabaret evenings in NYC and kink workshops in Arizona, and that helps me keep the flame alive. Sometimes I'll even lie around in our bedroom after bathing without any clothes on, and let the cool air from the ceiling fan brush past my (currently) unmentionable bits.

I'm not getting paid for it right now, but it's nice to know that I can keep that dirty space open and charged in my brain.

There is no script for phone sex

I'm working on my lines for my one-woman play right now. Well, to be precise, right now I'm procrastinating. Somewhere in the middle of drafting this post I'm working on my lines, and will do so again after I put this bad boy up. Point is, I'm all in the middle of prepping for the world premiere of Phone Whore (read about it here...), and I just want to say...

Thank god there is no script for phone sex, 'cuz memorizing is HARD.

The play has four seven-minute calls in it, interrupting the title character during an interview with a camera crew. The calls are composites, drawn from archetypes and standard openings and approaches that I've gotten pretty familiar with over the past 10 months. The audience hears the phone whore's side of the calls only, so in theory I could say whatever I want and not be off. But my director likes the flow and the tone of the calls the way I wrote them, with all the pauses and plot points and imagery, and asked that I get as close to the script as possible. What has been challenging for me as a performer is getting as close to the feel of phone sex as possible, without actual input from the other side.

In my head I'm holding on to what I imagine the caller would be saying, to remember when I need to make those abrupt shifts from one track to another. That helps with the lines. But I have to dig deep to reproduce the "surprise" and the "excitement" that the caller would hear, when I already know what's coming around the corner.

In a real call, I hesitate as a negotiating strategy for getting through the really sensitive stuff. I use non-vocal sounds, reflective responses, and very casual speech to play my part in the two-person improv piece that unfolds. Performative linguists would have a field day analyzing this shit. Scriptwriters, on the other hand, would go bonkers. I mean, I did.

And now I'm trying to put it out there in a way that keeps it fresh for audiences, but reproducibly authentic for myself. Mad props to my director for keeping me on that path. (Yes, Elizabeth, I'm getting back to my lines right now!) And mad props to my callers for staying so insanely unpredictable, so genuinely dedicated to their own turn-ons, that I can't use a script in my daily work. In real life, I usually have no idea where we're going. It's an adventure. Thanks, guys.

PHONE WHORE (world premiere)

Location: Fetish Fair Fleamarket, Providence, RI
Link out: Click here
Description: Is the world ready for Phone Whore? Let's find out, when Cameryn Moore's gritty slice-of-life drama about phone sex, fantasy, and life "on the lines" premieres on opening night of the Fetish Fair Fleamarket in Providence, RI. If you're already planning to be at the Flea, make this one-hour theatrical experience your first stop! You must have paid admission to the FFF to attend this event. Blackstone Room.

SPECIAL TALKBACK SESSION: come join Cameryn and Phone Whore director Lisa Dupre at 9:30 pm for discussion and feedback about this exciting new play!
Start Time: 18:45
Date: 2010-02-12
End Time: 19:45

Book Review: The Big Book of Sex Toys

Confession: I don't need sex toys to do my job. I have one little vibe that I keep on my chair-side table, in case someone wants to hear me "use" a vibrator. A dildo? Sounds like a blow job (fingers in the mouth) with extra slobber because I Am So Wet, Oh God. Butt plugs? Please. I just moan extra loud.

But my callers do use sex toys--when I tell them to, when they're turned on, when they just can't help themselves and want to get something nice and hard in their ass--so I feel that a phone whore is actually a good person to check out Tristan Taormino's newest book, the Big Book of Sex Toys .

First of all, the Big Book on Sex Toys isn't TOO big. I mean, at about 8 inches, it's bigger than average, but it's not going to kill you to use it, know what I mean? And although the title has a certain kiddie-book feel to it, none of the pictures are pop-up. (This always makes me sad about adult sex-ed books.) However, what the book lacks in physical dimensions is more than redeemed by the amount of useful and sexy information caught between these hard covers.

Taormino, whose sex-ed empire is vast and wonderful, really lays all of her experience on the table with this project. You can see it in the coverage--everything from basic vibes to jewel-studded buttplugs to floggers and some really logical sex furniture--and the wonderful sidebars (the problem with phthalates, can I get addicted to my vibrator).  One of the best features of the book is the Perfect Pairing, in which Taormino pulls out one of the recommended products and puts it with a position that best utilizes the features of that product. You get detailed tips for the physical logistics, precise directions for positioning the product, and a FUCKING HOT PHOTO TO GO WITH IT.

The writing is upbeat, educational but not dry (never dry, dry is bad!), and while BBST is obviously meant to be a shopper's guide to the goodies, with loads of pictures of some of the newest toys on the market, it's not a mindless catalog: Taormino and associates clearly gave these items a good whirl or two. The resource guide at the back helps readers find the well-lit, non-sticky-floor stores and the more reputable online sources.

I could ask for slightly more thorough referencing of the photos of sex toys, but I'm willing to overlook it because DID I MENTION THE HOT PHOTOS?! On a related note, I would like to have seen some same-sex action. Both in language and visual representation, BBST is patently meant for straight couples, which is, like, YAY for hot straight sex, and for a chapter about strap-ons that shows willing boy butt. And yet, my first encounter with the thigh harness was with another girl, and that was 15 years ago. I mean, let's give some props where they're due!

Overall, though, BBST is an excellent addition to the sexually curious bookshelf, with enough "for more reading" to give precocious kinksters a kick. I wish all of my callers would get their own copies. Then maybe the ones who bitch about how their wives aren't giving them any would get some action again, and the ones who use carrots would STOP USING CARROTS.

Phone queer versus QUEER-queer

I'm doing a queer comedy night next week, and it's got me digging deep for material. Like, real deep.

See, I've been going along on the phones for the past nine months, getting men off, and that steady stream of audio cock hypnotized me into thinking that I was only working that side of my resume, you know, the straight side. I'm a girl, they're all boys, and that means straight. Truth be told, I was okay with that, because frankly, I felt like perhaps I was a little weak in that area and, as a PSO trying to be the best I can be, I could use some real practical experience in the verbalization of cock.

But when I began excavating my history and experiences, and sifting through even my current work for queer-relevant fragments that I could bring to the stage--so that I could even semi-legitimately make this stand-up set queer--I found instead big chunks of queer GOLD.

Let's set aside the fact that, as someone who lived a dick-free existence from 1989 to 2001, I know more about eating pussy than most straight guys, and certainly most of the guys who call in wanting to talk about eating pussy, or about me eating pussy. It's a relief to sit down to a bout of rug-munching, frankly: it's an easy sound effect, much easier on my throat than pretending to choke on a monster cock. And when I get a chance to gently guide my caller on the finer points of eating pussy, I definitely feel that I am putting some positive points in the paying-it-forward column of sex education.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, a good chunk of the stuff that I narrate is male-on-male action. The infamous BBC constitutes a high percentage of that work, obviously, but dick-focused action--what I would call gay, in the context of paid phone sex--includes many other categories of calls: she-males on top, camping with the boy scout troop, cuckold action (especially any scene that involves the cuckold being the fluffer and/or cleanup boy). The fact that I'm a woman narrating these scenes doesn't matter; what is being expressed, what is being fantasized, is homoerotic as hell.

And then there's the gender-queer component. My sissy girls and panty boys remind me that there is a significant minority of dudes out there who might be feeling a little chafed by gender norms and expectations, and/or curious about at least some aspects of life and lust on the other side of the gender fence. For these callers, I get to be the voice of acceptance and surprise packages and cocksucker-red lipstick and color-coordinated satin lingerie. I love taking those calls; I mean, who doesn't want to wear silky panties under your business suit? Briefs versus boxers is a false dichotomy! One's choices in undergarments exist on a beautiful rainbow spectrum!

But conversation about the intersection of phone sex and queerness isn't complete unless we include the underbelly, too. For most of my "queer" calls, I'm the voice of shame and degradation, at least occasionally. I end up making liberal use of epithets that I have spent most of my queer life avoiding: cocksucker, faggot, pansy. Most of my "queer" callers are wallowing in the dirtiness and taboo of their fantasies; if I don't make them feel at least a little like shit for wanting it, I'm not doing my job.

Believe me, the dissonance between actually being queer and "doing" queer on the phones can be teeth-grinding. If nothing else, doing phone-queer all the time makes the REAL stuff look and feel that much better. I feel like I'm a waitress in a pie restaurant, talking to customers who have only eaten sugar-free, store-bought pie all their life. That's what's been marketed to them, and that's what they want, and I have to go along with it, yum yum yum. But I know what a real, sticky-sweet, bourbon-laced, pecan pie tastes like, and gosh, I wish they did, too.

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